Notes From Edwards' Concession Speech

COLUMBIA, S.C.—John Edwards arrived on the small stage here at Jillian’s eatery at 9:30 on the dot with his family. (I think he got a haircut! When did he have time for that?) “The three of us move on to February 5th,” he said. Okay then! On the TV, which is playing him with a delay (what, is he going to suddenly start swearing?), it looks like he’s in a big hall just like Barack Obama! But he’s not! He’s jammed in the back of a restaurant, most of which is devoted to serving dinner to people who are smoking indoors. You know how women are always saying that John Edwards is one of those guys that campaign architects say women will find irresistible but they’re totally wrong, because women don’t? Well he’s much cuter in person. (Just like Gabriel Byrne!) “It’s amazing that he and Fred Thompson can get the same percentage of votes but [Edwards] works 4,000 times harder,” said a reporter. It’s true! People just won’t vote for him. (At least, not yet.) What is that?