Does anyone remember laughter? O.K. maybe times haven’t been that tough, but the country’s diaphragms have been woefully underused these last couple of months (even with Jimmy Kimmel f**king Ben Affleck) with the absence of new episodes of veteran sitcoms (and movies like Semi-Pro plaguing the theaters). But tonight, all of that changes with fresh installments of How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) and Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 p.m.). (Rookie breakout The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.) has a new episode, too!) Watch—it’s bound to feel like the television equivalent of make-up sex.
The evening is rife with unintentional comedy, too. And I’m not just talking about New Amsterdam (Fox, 9 p.m.). I kid. (You couldn’t pay me to watch that show!) Both Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) and The Bachelor (ABC, 9 p.m.) return. The producers of Stars have outdone themselves this season by corralling Steve Guttenberg. It’s good to know he’s still alive. He’ll be competing against the Dolphins’ Jason Taylor, Penn Jillette, and Adam Carolla, amongst others (but who cares about them?). Is there a winner in the bunch? Trick question!
Bonus: it’s the season finale of Medium (NBC, 10 p.m.) and an opportunity, perchance, to continue one’s streak of never … watching … Medium—even if Patricia Arquette is a snaggle-tooth beauty.
The funny continues? Well, ABC would like to think so as it unveils sitcom Miss/Guided (10:30 p.m.). Dumping it that late may not instill a lot of confidence, but they make up for it by stacking the deck Thursday, putting back-to-back episodes of it as Lost’s lead-in. The show stars Judy Greer—fun fact: she played George Bluth’s secretary and mistress on Arrested Development—as a woman who returns to her high school alma mater as a guidance counselor. Incidentally, it’s a single camera comedy like AD. She must be hoping it lasts a bit longer, no?
There’s probably little overlap between fans of Project Runway and college basketball. But for those unfortunate souls stuck in the center of that Venn diagram, tonight may pose a small problem. Yes, I’m aware that the season of Project Runway is over. But that doesn’t keep Tim Gunn from spreading his fashion sense throughout the NBC Universal kingdom, as is his wont. Tonight, he appears on The Biggest Loser (8 p.m.) at about the same time as the opening night game of the NCAA tournament (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.) gets going. This is obviously what they invented DVR for. (Meanwhile, if your Project Runway jones is still not satisfied, the fierce and fabulous Christian Siriano will be on Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo, 10 p.m.) on Thursday. That’s so tranny!)
Bonus: The Truth Behind Sitcom Scandals (Bio, 10 p.m.) serves up the dish on The Love Boat and M.A.S.H. As if we didn’t have enough scandals to keep track of …
Thinking about getting married? Well, you might want to stay away from 20/20 on WE’s three-part series on marriage. First, they’re going to examine “dangerous marital secrets,” like the one which played a hand in a doctor’s wife being murdered on Valentine’s Day. (From “I do” to “I did it”!) It’s the perfect segue into the second part, suspicious deaths within marriages. It is not clear what the third part is about, but it’ll probably involve prostitutes—you know, just to be timely.
Elsewhere, American Idol (Fox, 9 p.m.) and Moment of Truth (Fox, 8 p.m.) continue their dominance.
Last week’s episode of Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.) posted the show’s lowest ratings of the season. Perhaps it had something to do with it being the third heart-rending episode in a row. Or perhaps people just don’t like to read subtitles. Whatever the case, can we get a good old-fashioned phantom-rocking-chair-in-a-deserted -cabin episode real soon? I miss Jacob.
Straight from the WTF file: ten wannabe child stars compete for the chance to be trained by Danny Bonaduce on I Know My Child’s a Star (VH1, 10 p.m.). Being Bonaduce seemed hard enough for the former child star, now he’s going to teach others how to do it? Oh, man. Do these parents want their kids to go to rehab before they’re bar-mitzvahed?
James Van Der Beek is on Free Radio (VH1, 9:30 p.m.), the improvised comedy sitcom starring Lance Krall, as the intern of a popular radio show who’s called in to replace its host when he leaves for satellite radio. His shtick is to ineptly interview celebrities. Let’s hope this leads to better things for James, who hasn’t been the same since he left Dawson’s Creek. Maybe he should have married Tom Cruise?
Oprah’s Big Give (ABC, 9 p.m.) does its best to mimic Brewster’s Millions, when it gives contestants a day to give away hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bear Sterns were brought in as consultants.