What I Wore to Jonny’s Reunion

And then there were the celebs. If you are ever dragged to the college reunion of a loved one, then let it be a szooshy one like Brown, where you are sure to clock a few notables. My entire weekend was enlivened by nonstop celeb spottings both real and imagined: “There’s Laura Linney! Oops, no—she’s nobody.” “Oh my God! Two o’clock, Candice Bergen. Her daughter must be graduating.” “Where’s André Leon Talley when you need him?” “Isn’t that Amy Carter? Remember when she worked in that local head shop?” So vast is the Brown celeb-alum pool that scanning the horizon for potential sightings became, after calorie counting, the main focus of the reunion: “Have you spotted Lisa Loeb/Todd Haynes/Ken Starr/Ted Turner yet?”

The most major celeb sighting of the weekend—and the most gorgeous—was a non-alum. While ambling through the picturesque campus last Saturday p.m., we stumbled upon a large gathering just as Mr. Robert Redford began speaking. How perfect that the ultimate Hollywood golden boy should have come to address this spa/college. What this icon, still stunning at 71, doesn’t know about looking young and svelte is surely not worth knowing. Scoop Doonan pulled out his notepad: A battery of questions, all designed to solicit Mr. Redford’s insights into male beauty and the maintenance thereof, formed in my mind: Were his looks a curse or an advantage? When he is in front of the camera, is he—as per Jack on Will and Grace—“acting or attracting?” Which horny leading ladies, or men, have put the moves on him? If he had lost his hair, would he have gone for plugs or rugs? Ever wanted to kiss Paul Newman? Boto: Pro or con? Crème de la Mer or Cle de Peau?

I rashly assumed that pulchritude—Le Redford’s most obvious area of expertise—would be the topic of the lecture. Scoop was out of luck. Unfortunately, the glamorous star was lecturing on the subject of—wait for it!—war and politics! If he had attended Brown (instead of the University of Colorado on a baseball scholarship, which he subsequently lost due to boozing), maybe he would have his priorities straight. As it is, I am very concerned that he will furrow his brow worrying about geopolitical turmoil. I guess that’s what Frownies are for.