Jack Black to Play Washed Up Superspy

Have you been waiting for a comedic take on The Bourne Identity starring Jack Black and written by the geniuses who brought you Kung-Fu Panda? No? Too bad, because apparently Universal thinks you have! The studio announced that they have picked up a live-action comedy based on that very pitch for close to seven figures.

The untitled film centers on Mr. Black’s character, who washes up on the shores of Cuba with no memory on how he got there. After some deliberation he assumes he must be a superspy. Presumably, comedy ensues.

We’re sorry for being so negative. We really like Mr. Black! School of Rock was adorable! He was the best part of migraine-inducing Margot at the Wedding! He even got laughs in Tropic Thunder, though admittedly he was maybe the fourth or fifth funniest person in that film. But this just sounds like the hackiest hack idea in the history of hacks. Seriously. Don’t believe us? Look at some of the “hilarious” quotes from co-writer Jonathan Aibel: “For our next live-action project, we knew we wanted to work with either a panda or Jack … We also figured that if we could write for Jack as a panda, we could write for him as a human.”

With zingers like that, Mr. Aibel and his partner Glenn Berger are sure to have a long career writing Scary Movie spin-offs. But before that happens, they’ll slay us with this film. Look for it in theaters sometime before the apocalypse.