E-mails I Sent the Day of the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’

23

What would have happened if he’d “landed” a few miles out in the ocean without ferries anywhere to help. Again, how did it happen? Miracle.

 

24

Lindsay Lohan’s so cute in Freaky Friday. Anyone watching it? Side note: Eva Mendes smiled at me last night. Not bragging, just sayin’.

 

25

Met her at Bungalow 8. Doesn’t really count, I know. Maybe if I talk to her next time. I was too scared. Trop belle pour moi.

 

26

He really put that on his Facebook “update” that he was on the same flight last week?

 

27

Broccoli is a very tasty vegetable. Doesn’t smell bad. When was the last time you tried it? Same year Annie Hall beat Star Wars and you cried?

 

28

But why tell everyone on Facebook? I bet if he’d been on the actual flight he’d be all over the news now, stealing the spotlight from Cap’n Sully, bumming everyone out, ruining everything. Oh wait, that’s what I’d do.

 

29

O.K., Eva was smiling in my general direction, but I think it was intended for me. This happened once with an Olsen twin. Got smiled at then second-guessed it for months because there were a lot of people around. Update: David Gergen on CNN says the miracle on the Hudson is a metaphor for Obama’s message, everyone working together or some nonsense. John King and Anderson Cooper and Soledad and him are all trying to out-nonsense each other.

 

30

I could use a pair of adult size floaties. Why not?

 

31

I might have mentioned the Lohan thing so I could work in the Eva Mendes smile at me to impress you all.

 

32

Should I start doing daily Facebook updates? Fear that my balls will fall off once and for all. 

 

33

.Is it true that Cap’n Sully won’t do the talk shows, the late-night dopes? How cool is that?

 

34

Might have been too harsh on the Facebook update guy who said he was on the flight a week ago. Really no big deal. Should I apologize to him even though he doesn’t know I bad-mouthed him real bad? Fucking Facebook.

 

35

Not sure that was Eva Mendes who smiled at me. Well whoever she was, she was a real super yummy knockout just like her so it still counts.

 

36

When will Hollywood have the balls to do a funny flick about an Al Qaeda–type group who just can’t get it together, Keystone Kops/Abbott & Costello/Three Stooges style? A Dumb & Dumber type comedy yet so devastating it might even inflame that region a tad for a brief spell? How many times did I have to hear that, circa 2003: Oh no, now we’re gonna make ’em mad! We’re makin ’em mad! We made ’em mad! They’re mad at us now! Very simple fact, dopes, is that they’ve hated us since before we were born and guess what, we’re winning and Dubya gets mad credit just like Reagan with the Cold War. Suck it. Bite me.

 

37

So I’m starting a new club called Friday Night with George. All my Facebook friends, you guys, and anyone else will meet me at Dusk on 24th street from 9 p.m. to 11:45 p.m., then at midnight we’ll get into cabs on Seventh Avenue and convoy down to the Patriot on Chambers, congregate upstairs, stay there until 2:45 a.m., and that’s it. You’re free to go to Rose Bar or Beatrice. I’m still banned from Beatrice but I’m working it out with the owner, who says the ban will be lifted if I show up in a full clown suit, clown makeup, clown nose, clown shoes and so on. It looks like I’ll have to stay in the suit all night, not just for one or two drinks which was the original deal. I think this is going to be pretty humiliating. If I do it, I’ll have to make sure I “own” it, and I’m not sure I can pull it off.

 

38

Just made a deal with the fiancée: If she stops whistling all the time, I’ll stop with the smelly sounds. She pulled an Irish exit the other night at the University Club. Just up and left. Mighta had something to do with this woman asking if we’d ever had sex, because we have separate bedrooms. And so I said, “Actually, I’ve fucked her many more times than any other woman, including that one right there at the next table.” Shortly after that, fiancée left.

 

39

Face it, Robert Downey’s always playing himself and he hasn’t been good since Less Than Zero. Nope, Chaplin sucked. All right, he’s pretty good.