E-mails I Sent the Day of the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’


I don’t think Caroline Kennedy should be disqualified because she has a speech impediment or partied too much in the ’80s or whatever. I mean, I say “like” and “you know” all the time. Plus, she grew up around this stuff, it’s in her genes, she’s a Kennedy. Also she’s a woman, better than any old white male. Main thing is she’s a Democrat, her heart is in the right place. Of course we can all agree on that, right? If not, can we agree that Anne Hathaway looks like a rodent in Page Six mag? A mouse with a mouth the size of a giant grouper. 



I don’t know how one enters the young socialite sweepstakes, but I guess if you’ve got a good quality nose, cheekbones, hair, your eyes are blue, and you don’t eat a lot and your daddy pays for your $4,800 a month one-bedroom and you go to parties four nights a week minimum, but don’t overdo it with the white stuff, don’t get a reputation as “crazy” or “pushy” and don’t have much to say, no real character, but you’re “nice,” then you’re on the right track. But if you got, say, a big Aaron Neville mole on your face, then you’re out, even if you can sing.



Guess no one cares about the miracle on the Hudson anymore. It’s over. Now it’s time to focus on the inauguration (that how you spell it? Yeah, got it right) and for everything else to start sucking again.



Actually I don’t know anything about Aaron Neville except that mole.



 I remember the time I was sitting in the living room in East Hampton and the socialite woman staying with us just pulled off her bikini top and there they were—huge and gravity-defying, right in front of me, like 10 feet away, for like 23 seconds. Just stared. Thought she was trying to turn me on so I started hanging out near her room a lot.



Isn’t is great that Cap’n Sully has no interest in going on the Today show to talk to Matt Lauer? I’m hoping he keeps turning down the TV offers, would be the most radical thing anyone’s done since Jesus fed all those people with the loaves.



I once asked an old timer who was coughing on the bench next to me if he had any advice. He snarled, “Find out for yourself!”



She wasn’t trying to turn me on after all, just fixing her top.


E-mails I Sent the Day of the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’