Opening this Weekend: Big Scares, Big Dogs, Big Malls and Big Poppa!

Far be it from us to question the infinite wisdom of the people in charge over at Fox Searchlight–after all, by this time next week, the studio will have its fourth best picture nominee in the last five years–but it seems like they are royally screwing up the release of Slumdog Millionaire. Fresh off a Golden Globe win, and on the cusp of getting multiple Oscar nominations, the film is only playing in 600 theaters and it has already been out for two months. Slumdog is as much of an audience-pleaser as Juno was, and that was playing in almost 2000 theaters by the end of its fifth week, well on its way to clearing $150 million dollars in box office receipts. What gives? Fortunately, if you’re one of the relatively few people who have seen Slumdog Millionaire, there are plenty of other options hitting theaters this weekend. Unfortunately, most of them look terrible. Here’s a handy guide to the new releases.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

What’s the story: Because you’ve always wanted to see a slasher film in 3-D, here comes My Bloody Valentine. It seems like one of these movies that comes out each week, but My Bloody Valentine sounds particularly stupid. In it, a crazed miner terrorizes a small town by killing a bunch of teenagers with a pickaxe. Seriously. Jamie King stars, fresh off the disaster that was The Spirit. It might be time for her to find a new agent.

Who should see it: People who want to see a pickaxe thrown into their face.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

What’s the story: Kevin James has always been "kinda funny"; Hitch, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and even his long-running sit-com, The King of Queens, all contained spells of passable humor. But the problem with being "kinda funny" is that, inevitably, you make a stinker. Paul Blart: Mall Cop, come on down! As you can tell from the very literal title, Mr. James stars as a New Jersey mall cop who must stop a bunch of criminals from taking over his mall. Wake us when it’s over.

Who should see it: Security personnel at the Paramus Park Mall.

Hotel for Dogs

What’s the story: Speaking of literal titles… Hotel for Dogs is about a hotel for dogs. The surprising thing in this kids movie is the cast of adults: Kevin Dillon, Lisa Kudrow and Academy Award nominee Don Cheadle. Which of those three doesn’t belong?

Who should see it: Mickey Rourke.

Notorious

What’s the story: No, it’s not a reissue of the Alfred Hitchcock classic. But Notorious happens to be the one movie that might be worth checking out this weekend. Newcomer Jamal Woolard stars as The Notorious B.I.G. in this Behind the Music-style biopic about the life and death of the rotund rapper. The trailer is fantastic, as it manages to squeeze in "Notorious B.I.G.", "Juicy" and, of course, "Hypnotize", within a span of two minutes. Just imagine what the movie can do in two hours! Derek Luke co-stars as Puff Daddy in a performance that seems to be all dance moves and fur coats, while the inimitable Angela Bassett takes on the role of Biggie’s mother, Voletta Wallace. Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling this film surprises everyone and makes a small fortune before its run is over.

Who should see it: Everyone who went to college in the 90s.