Opening this Valentine’s Day Weekend: Camp Crystal Lake is for Lovers! Plus, Clive Owen Fights a Bank

the international Opening this Valentines Day Weekend: Camp Crystal Lake is for Lovers! Plus, Clive Owen Fights a BankAs the Hollywood box office machine chugs along (in case you were wondering, Paul Blart will hit $100 million dollars this weekend; expect the rain of frogs to follow shortly thereafter), we’ve found ourselves concentrating on larger issues besides film revenue. Like: Is anyone actually buying this Joaquin Phoenix thing? His whole “I’m-retiring-from-acting-to-become-a-rap-star-and-Casey-Affleck-is-going-to-film-it” shtick has already been pretty much debunked. And, more importantly, with the exception of his Fleet Foxes-like beard, did any of his behavior during the now infamous interview with David Letterman truly seem that out of the ordinary? This is Joaquin Phoenix we’re talking about! The dude has made his career out of playing soft-spoken, mumbling drifters with issues. He gets to play another variation on one of those characters in this week’s Two Lovers, but if you’re all Joaquined out, don’t fret! Four other movies hit theaters over this dual holiday weekend (it’s President’s Day, too). Here’s a handy guide to the releases.

As the Hollywood box office machine chugs along (in case you were wondering, Paul Blart will hit $100 million dollars this weekend; expect the rain of frogs to follow shortly thereafter), we’ve found ourselves concentrating on larger issues besides film revenue. Like: is anyone actually buying this Joaquin Phoenix thing? His whole “I’m-retiring-from-acting-to-become-a-rap-star-and-Casey-Affleck-is-going-to-film-it” shtick has already been pretty much debunked. And, more importantly, with the exception of his Fleet Foxes-like beard, did any of his behavior during the now infamous interview with David Letterman truly seem that out of the ordinary? This is Joaquin Phoenix we’re talking about! The dude has made his career out of playing soft-spoken, mumbling drifters with issues. He gets to play another variation on one of those characters in this week’s Two Lovers, but if you’re all Joaquined out, don’t fret! Four other movies hit theaters over this dual holiday weekend (it’s President’s Day, too). Here’s a handy guide to the releases.

Friday the 13th

What’s the story: Seriously? Another one? If you’ve been in a coma for the last 29 years and are just coming out of it, we’ll fill you in: Jason Voorhees stomps around Camp Crystal Lake wearing a hockey mask and killing sex-crazed teenagers with a giant machete. Cue the credits. Directed by Marcus Nispel (the man who brought us the despicable Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot), Friday the 13th apparently culls plot points and killings from the first four films in the franchise. Oh what fun! Expect this to make bags of money.

Who should see it: Freddy Krueger.

The International

What’s the story: If The International has one thing in its favor, it’s the villain: a large international bank that deals in deception, murder, arms dealing and predatory lending. Well, maybe not that last one. Clive Owen and Naomi Watts star, and as much as we love them both, we’re more interested in seeing Mr. Owen battle wits with Julia Roberts in the superior-looking Duplicity next month. Tom Tykwer directs, further moving himself into one-hit wonder territory. Do you realize Run Lola Run was released over 10 years ago?

Who should see it: James Gorman, co-president of Morgan Stanley.

Gomorrah

What’s the story: Matteo Garrone’s Gomorrah was supposed to be one of the sure-fire nominees for Best Foreign Language Film at the Oscars. Whoops! Let’s add another movie to the list of snubs. Martin Scorsese helps bring this violent polemic about the modern-day Mafia in Italy to America, but don’t get too upset if you miss Gomorrah in theaters. IFC Films will add it to their On Demand roster in the coming weeks.

Who should see it: Young Vito Corleone.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

What’s the story: In this new documentary, a young woman runs up mountains of credit card debt and is chased down by debt collectors. Oh wait, scratch that. Confessions of a Shopaholic is actually a romantic comedy based on the best selling books by Sophie Kinsella and starring Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy. As much as we love Ms. Fisher (hooray for Definitely, Maybe and Wedding Crashers!), she still feels like the actress you cast when Amy Adams is unavailable. Meanwhile, the timing of this movie couldn’t be worse—a relic of a not-so-distant past when the Dow Jones Industrial Average was over 14,000 and people spent money like drunken sailors. Not even super producer Jerry Bruckheimer and the presence of Rihanna’s “Disturbia” in the trailer can save this movie from collapsing like the economy.

Who should see it: Members of the National Foundation of Credit Counseling.