I always get into these huge arguments with Mapquest. It doesn’t get traffic.

Let me get this straight. When Zac Efron grows up, he’s gonna look like Chandler Bing? Personally, I don’t see it.

No, I don’t want to follow you on Twitter.

O.K.?

Just so we’re clear on that.

You know who’s annoying? Joe Girardi.

So this Obama thing is working out real great so far. I’m really impressed.

Hey, I know how to get the terrorists off our backs. Distribute free laptops to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, etc. Then make sure there’s free, high-speed, public Wi-Fi. Then drop a bunch of leaflets telling them about RedTube, xTube, Porn Hub, BangBus, Megarotic, xHamster, etc. Goodbye, terrorism problem.

What, you think it’s a coincidence the economy collapsed when free pornography became easily available 24 hours a day? You think bankers, traders and mortgage brokers don’t “dabble”?

Would somebody tell the saxophone player on Saturday Night Live to quit hitting that really high note at the end of the opening theme song?

There’s a news report that Stephen Hawking is “seriously ill.” How can they tell?

You see that article a couple weeks ago with Gabriel Byrne talking about how tough it is, working on that HBO show In Treatment? Have you seen In Treatment? The man sits in a chair the entire episode, every time. Talking. And it’s on, what, 10 times a year?

Why is it I’ve never placed my laptop on my lap?

Friend of mine emails me a hot photo of his wife. Wearing a little gown, lying in bed, got her glasses on. Too bad about the newborn on her lap. Sort of ruined the effect.

Is it wrong that I prefer the “fat” Tina Fey, before she trimmed down for her on-camera stardom?

Is it gonna be such a huge surprise when we find out Carlos Delgado is on the ’roids? This is a bald man hitting dingers at age 37.

I’ve never understood why cars need brakes.

I love the U.S. and everything. But I have to say I’m pro–Somali pirate. But I’d appreciate it if they paid a little more attention to pirate protocol. They don’t need to be flying the Jolly Roger, but a hoop earring might be nice. Maybe a parrot on the shoulder. I’d say peg leg, but I have a feeling that’s gonna take care of itself in time.

My new desktop image is that Marlon Brando–giving–a–blowjob picture. Relaxes me.

So this Euro lady, Charlotte Roche, writes a whole novel about a chick who cuts her asshole while shaving it. Sells 1,500,000 copies in you know where. Yes, Germany.

I thought about starting a blog or a Tumblr last week. Then I realized I could bring just as much benefit to humanity by whacking off on the R train.

So Sarah Jessica Parker’s producing a reality TV show called American Artist about aspiring artists competing, like in Project Runway. I’ll go out on a limb here: They all suck.

Hey, hipster. Read one of my dad’s books sometime, if you want to see some writing that makes its point with a little humor and zero grandstanding.

So Madonna fell of a horse in the Hamptons. She also fell off a horse three years ago. When she was 47. Maybe it’s time to learn how to ride a fucking horse.

That Speed Racer movie wasn’t bad.

Are we buying this Eliot Spitzer rehabilitation tour? First the column in Slate. Now the apologetic interview in Newsweek. He’s gonna keep sneaking up on you until you’re like, “Maybe this guy should be the governor again.”

I’ve seen enough photos of penis piercings to be pretty sure I don’t want one.

This rain is not fooling around.

I hate Fox and I hate NPR. That makes me either a centrist or a cynic.

You know how you go to other towns and the airport’s real nice? And the streets are pretty clean and the buildings are decent and the hotel is new? That’s how I felt when I went to Citi Field the other day. It’s like those places they got in other cities.

I spent $359 on a Kindle just so I could throw it out the window. Worth every penny.

How hard can acting be? You get up there and say the words in the script. Once in a while you throw a fake punch or pretend to cry.

So Administrative Assistant Day is April 22? I’ve never had one of those, but if I ever get one, I’m gonna bang her like she was my secretary.

That American “journalist” in Iran? You think she’s not a spy?