I wish I could take Brad Pitt in a fight, but I know I can’t. He’s probably on steroids, though.
Women are pretty. Men are ugly.
Did Madonna marry that dude or adopt him?
Warning: Reading this column may result in “unusual taste.”
I bet Jennifer Aniston has some messed-up ideas in her head.
May is the most wonderful month.
Lying down when you’re tired is the best.
A male in his 40s gets the exact same feeling of pleasure from Synecdoche, New York that a 13-year-old girl gets from High School Musical 3.
When did “unusual taste” become a major side effect of every drug on the market?
You know what has an unusual taste? Châteauneuf-du-Pape. Unusual and great.
These “fail blogs” that are so popular—who knew that America’s Funniest Home Videos would prove so influential? Bob Saget is the godfather of Web 2.0.
Barack Obama is the new Chance the Gardener.
Deep down in my brain, I believe the moon is alive.
Prediction: Lady Gaga will stand the test of time. Kanye West will fade away.
I wish I had an old jalopy.
Remind me to write that 8,000-word essay on how depressed I am.
How are you liking the “information superhighway”?
I was glad, last year, when Charlie Rose had my dad on his show. About time.
I can remember the 1973 home phone number for my friend Bobby Sheckowitz but I can’t tell you my cell number without looking.
I have no complaint about Amy Winehouse and the drugs she takes, but I wish she would stop ripping off the black man.
It’s been years since I walked through the city late at night with a woman, stopping every few blocks to make out.
I just figured out that “Joseph A. Bank” is a clothing store. I thought it was a bank.
I think I believe the moon is calling to me and that I must go to it.
Whatever happened to Super Elastic Bubble Plastic?
Men in their 40s and teenage girls are natural enemies.
For years I loved diners. It was my thing. Now I’m not interested. Doesn’t mean I don’t like cheesecake and coffee, though.
I’m against religion.
A lot of people get terribly conceited when they hit age 70.
Why is it that sports teams from Houston have such trouble figuring out what design their uniforms should have?
You ever looked into the eyes of a dolphin? Pure evil.
I like Larry David but as an actor he has the range of a shoe.
Remember when the 11 o’clock news on Channel 4 was a huge show? It was practically a Las Vegas revue. Sue Simmons cracked wise; Chuck Scarborough played the straight man; there were three sports guys, a full weather team and a fleet of news choppers. Now it’s a couple people at a desk in a bunker.
Human beings have the worst-smelling excrement.
I’m rooting for deflation. I want stuff to cost less.
I would like to know what it feels like, for just one day, to have the self-confidence of the average French person.
Jimmy Fallon? I’m gonna have to say no.
I wonder if there has ever been a coal miner who was a genius in the sack.
Wanda Sykes did all right the other night, but a lot of that Obama stuff has been in her act for a while.
Can’t remember the last time I bought a magazine and sat down and read it. Funny, I used to do that all the time.
Circus clowns are underrated.