There are at least 16 things that are terrifyingly awesome about the $14,995,000 Trump Tower duplex that was just listed with Paula Del Nunzio. Here they are, in order of their appearance in Ms. Del Nunzio’s listing, which uses five well-placed question marks in its opening paragraph alone.
1. “Would you like to turn on the air conditioning while driving back from the country – with a simple phone call?” Yes.
2. “Or program your six-head steam shower to start at the desired temperature – just moments after your alarm goes off in the morning?” Maybe not; steam is weird.
3. “How about motorized refrigerator shelves to easily accommodate your groceries?” Yes, definitely. It’s amazing that when Sotheby’s listed the duplex earlier this year for $15 million, there was no mention of motorized refrigerator shelves.
4. “THX-certified soundproof sheetrock in every room for an utterly silent environment?” Later on in the listing, we learn that the apartment’s soundproofing system is new and “green-friendly” and based on “sound-deadening drywall.”
5. “Intelligent design and skillful detailing executed by artisans and engineers who have been meticulously sourced.” Intelligent design has a scary ring to it, but “well-sourced artisans” sounds great.
6. “Silent insulated ducts.” This listing is better than the Tom Waits song Step Right Up.
7. “Floor-to-ceiling windows running along the west and north walls.” Of course.
8. “Invisible speakers are concealed behind the walls and ceilings.” The duplex is obviously suited for a super villain, though a super villain might be upset to know that the price per square foot is an incredibly high $4,543.
9. “And the audio is controlled through customizable color touch screens and include iPod docking stations throughout the apartment.” That alone makes up for the duplex’s $4,800 monthly maintenance fee and $3,100 monthly tax.
10. “Also off the foyer is a large laundry room–actually uncommon in Trump Tower–and a coat closet.” Having a laundry room off your foyer doesn’t sound inherently great, but it’s always good to have what your neighbors don’t.
11. “Enter the kitchen which includes twin Miele dishwashers, a Thermador range, Thermador refrigerator, Miele cappuccino maker, convection microwave and steam oven.” Steam is the theme!
12. “An informal dining space with a 72″ Perlick wine cooler, barstools and a banquet is positioned beside the kitchen.” It would be nice if the wine cooler had motorized shelves, too, but at least it’s 72 inches.
13. “Ascending the stair custom-designed in wrought iron and marble, the 49th floor section of the duplex is a palatial master suite.” The entire top level of the duplex, in other words, is one bedroom.
14. “Additional features: heated floors, heated towel bars, waterproof speakers and a large Neptune airjet bathtub in her bathroom.” There’s no airjet bathtub in the male’s master bathroom, but that’s O.K.
15. “A kitchenette with dishwasher and refrigerator sits at the top of the stairs.” Thank God.
16. “The master bedroom includes three large closets, blackout shades, a rear-projection television concealed behind a painting, while bed is positioned perfectly so that Central Park views are the first thing you see in the morning.” Who would be awesome enough to hide a TV behind a painting? According to city records, the duplex belongs to Raymond Cubero and Kathleen Comerford. One hopes their next apartment will have heated towel bars, too.