Opening This Weekend: Elm Street is Bad, Brendan Fraser is Worse

nightmare elm street remake 1 Opening This Weekend: Elm Street is Bad, Brendan Fraser is WorseWondering what movie to spend your hard earned money on this weekend? Here’s a handy guide to the new releases.

Furry Vengeance

What’s the story: Films like Furry Vengeance make you wonder if Hollywood’s entire goal is to just punk the viewing audience into seeing literally anything. What other way to explain a movie where Brendan Fraser plays a land developer who decides to tear down a section of Oregon forest, only to be thwarted by the animals inhabiting the area. Have you ever? The reviews are abysmal—seriously this could be the worst reviewed movie of the year—which isn’t at all surprising once you watch the groin shot-filled trailer. Stay far, far away.

Who should see it: Members of Greenpeace.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

What’s the story: Hey, if Jason can have his very own reboot, why not Freddy Krueger? Jackie Earle Haley—now the go-to guy when creepy weirdos are needed—stars as the infamous janitor and child molester, who was killed by a vigilante mob and now haunts the dreams of his victims. Or something. The reviews have been predictably bad—though compared to Furry Vengeance, they are fantastic—and many seem to agree the hardest part about seeing this film is staying awake. Which, given its title, certainly qualifies as ironic.

Who should see it: Michael Myers.

Also opening this weekend: Director Nicole Holofcener and a cavalcade of great actresses (Catherine Keener, Rebecca Hall, Amanda Peet) get charitable in Please Give; Michael Caine embraces his inner Clint Eastwood in Harry Browne; and Paul Dano and Brian Cox chew scenery in The Good Heart.