Bed Bugs Affect Mental Health, Confirms City

“Bed bugs are a pest like no other,” according 39-page report the city issued today. Bed bugs (as we have long believed) affect our very brains:

The effects of bed bugs on human health can be significant, despite the fact that bed bugs have never been shown to spread disease. . . .  The most significant health effects appear to be the onset of stress, anxiety, depression, and fatigue caused by the presence of bed bugs in the home.

Now the city must channel its anxious energy into productive activity per the report’s recommendations—for example, the formation of a Bed Bug Team, to be “headed by a qualified entomologist or equivalent professional.”