Internal Memo: Chris Christie

christie Internal Memo: Chris Christie Should you like an idea of the feast state workers are enjoying at the expense of New Jersey taxpayers, just imagine a night with me at your local Outback Steakhouse. I’ll get going with some wings and cheese fries and maybe some beer-battered shrimp with my favorite topping, Creole marmalade. Once all that’s cleared, I move on to a pre-steak round of ribs and pasta. You got the tangy rib sauce, on the one hand, and a pile of creamy Parmesan on the other–a perfect gastronomical combination. After that, bring on the T-bone! I carve that up and eat it, with a couple of lobster tails on the side to set it off. Then I pour the juice off the plate and bring it home to make a breakfast shake. I order my sundae and also a cheeseburger to go for a midnight snack. It might be all right for me–I assure you, it’s delicious–but it’s not a diet the taxpayers of this state can afford.

 

If I wake up in the morning feeling bad about life, I lay off a teacher. Then I eat pancakes, with butter and syrup and bacon. It’s nice if the pancakes have blueberries in them.

 

They call me Governor Wrecking Ball. My withholding of state aid to schools and cutting hospital funding, college funding and funding for the transit system, as well as my refusal to undertake a costly attempt to connect our state to the New York City subway system–these actions I have taken not to wreck anything but in order to impose fiscal responsibility. Because at the end of the day, if you’re not fiscally responsible, you’re not going to be able to put food on the table. You’ll be eating rice and beans. I want the people of New Jersey to eat lamb and lasagna and pork chops and spaghetti and meatballs and all the other great foods I have loved since I was a kid, plus all the great cuisines of the world, like Korean barbecue–that stuff is yummy. If they’re too tired to cook at the end of the day, I want them to be able to order a pizza or take a ride to the local Chili’s and order Buffalo chicken fajitas with a side of mashed potatoes, classic nachos to start and a frozen margarita with salt, please!

 

I am not running for president in 2012, but I understand why the idea is suddenly popular. When Americans look in the mirror, they see somebody like me, a guy who loves a good meal and hates teachers.

 

Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year! Oh, man, am I hungry!