If The Social Network Was About Groupon

You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're a talking cat.

You know what's cooler than a 5 percent discount?

A 100 percent discount.

I forgot to sign up for the drink special on Groupon.

How are we going to pay for all these appletinis?!

We've got Groupies!

Why are you so obsessed with group discounts?

Because they're exclusive, and fun, and they lead to a better life.

I think if your clients want to put on my whiskers and call themselves cats, they have the right to give it a try - but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Groupon, where my colleagues and I are writing jokes that no one in this room would ever think were funny.

A Stanford MBA named Roy Raymond wants to buy his wife some lingerie but he's too embarrassed to shop for it at a department store. He comes up with an idea for a high end place that doesn't make you feel like a pervert. He gets a $40,000 bank loan, borrows another $40,000 from his in-laws, opens a store, and calls it Victoria's Secret.

But he wouldn't even need that loan, if he had a Groupon!


Wholly unsatisfied, he continues refreshing the webpage, over and over and over.