If The Social Network Was About Groupon

  • You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're a talking cat.

  • You know what's cooler than a 5 percent discount?

    A 100 percent discount.

  • I forgot to sign up for the drink special on Groupon.

    How are we going to pay for all these appletinis?!

  • We've got Groupies!

  • Why are you so obsessed with group discounts?

    Because they're exclusive, and fun, and they lead to a better life.

  • I think if your clients want to put on my whiskers and call themselves cats, they have the right to give it a try - but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Groupon, where my colleagues and I are writing jokes that no one in this room would ever think were funny.

  • A Stanford MBA named Roy Raymond wants to buy his wife some lingerie but he's too embarrassed to shop for it at a department store. He comes up with an idea for a high end place that doesn't make you feel like a pervert. He gets a $40,000 bank loan, borrows another $40,000 from his in-laws, opens a store, and calls it Victoria's Secret.

    But he wouldn't even need that loan, if he had a Groupon!

  • Wholly unsatisfied, he continues refreshing the webpage, over and over and over.