I’m considering another run for president and weighing the pros and the cons. On the pro side, there’s power, fame, the chance to secure my legacy in history and thus ensure that I am remembered in the national consciousness for something more than a few cameo appearances on Seinfeld, as well as the chance to constantly mention my leadership role on a certain day almost 10-excuse me! On the con side, running for president would again draw scrutiny to my personal life, my spotty record as a husband, the rampant misbehavior and disloyalty of my spoiled children, my tendency to hire, befriend and stand as godfather to the children of future felons. The American people have seen worse, I suppose, for instance on-wait!
Then there’s my health. Cancer could come back at any moment, but there’s another, more pressing issue that-forgive me, Joe Biden-is no joke. It cuts straight to the heart of my campaign, to who I am, to what this country is all about. A specialist in thematic and historical neuropsychiatry has recently diagnosed me with a rare form of Tourette’s syndrome, a strain so extreme and unprecedented that I am its only known sufferer. I’ve been to all the specialists and they only confirmed the original diagnosis. It is unlike typical cases of the disorder in that I suffer no motor tics and the condition developed only late in my life. Indeed before the tragic last days of my mayorship, this affliction was not possible. But there was a lot we didn’t know was possible back then. We had our guard down. We were playing defense instead of offense. We had not experienced the horror of-I have been diagnosed with 9/11-Tourette’s syndrome.
I cannot discuss any subject without the impulse arising in my brain, then passing to my jaw, then my tongue, compelling me to relate whatever is at hand back to those horrible attacks, or the bravery of our firefighters, or the nihilism and cowardice of the suicidal perpetrators. What do I think of Obamacare? Well, it doesn’t do much to prevent the threat of another attack like those of September 11; in fact, wider access to health care may attract more potential terrorists to our shores. What do I think of the Tea Party? Well, they’re fighting the good fight, putting us on offense rather than defense, and even if a few of them are a little crazy, it’s nothing compared to the Islamist insanity that brought us 9/11. Sarah Palin? I don’t think she can spell 9/11, let alone count it. When I’m in bed with my wife, Judith? Well, there was something undeniably phallic about the twin towers. This new show Skins? I tell you, those kids are too young to be doing those things on TV; I swear, some of them might not even have been born on 9/11. Have I seen Spider-Man? I have not, but it seems hazardous, and if there’s one thing New Yorkers learned about safety on-I am a sick man.