Scandal Report: Everything Will Be OK, Taylor Swift

  • Khloe Kardashian, Queen of Sleaze, may be begetting a child with her husband. Lakers backboard beater Lamar Odom. PAGE SIX sees a bump under her dress, and speculation ensues. Behold the child, son or daughter of this firepower couple! We fear for the preschool that has to cope.

    It's a Thursday night, and Jessica Simpson decides stop by midtown's little piece of Vegas glitz, Lavo. The eatery-cum-nightclub is a favorite of the Victoria's Secret angels but the bane of bro-mophobic Sam Sifton's existence. The place is an enormous explosion of gold glass where massive heapings of mediocre food come flying by on the arms of power-suited waiters. It's apparently a fave spot of Jessica Simpson, though -- our girl dropped a cool $300 tip for a $500 meal, GATECRASHER found out. Maybe Sifty didn't try the fried Oreos that convinced Jess to give such a hefty gratuity.l

  • PAGE SIX tells us that Google founder Larry Page has a 193-foot yacht that's worth $45 million. Not too shabby. But current Google CEO Eric Schmidt was all like, "You wanna see a fuckin' boat? I'll show you a fucking boat Larry Page!" and one-upped him with a 195-foot, $72 million yacht. The thing sleeps 19 people, sports a pool, and has a gym that turns into dance club if The Captain's really trying to throw down. You don't have a disco in your boat, Larry? And it's only worth $45 million? What a joke. That's not a boat -- it's a fucking sloop.

    Johnny Weir had a book party for his new memoir, in which he shocked no one by announcing that his sexual orientation did indeed lure him more to the guys than the ladies. GATECRASHER wrote that he did "a triple axel out of the closet." Well then.

  • Greetings Upper East Siders! We hear that Serena van der Woodsen's left the wind-swept arctic of 78th and Park for some fun in the sun in Los Angeles. But she's set her sights higher than the usual boys at Hollywood premieres and parties -- PAGE SIX tells us that Blake Lively, our Serena, has been snuggling up with none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. There may not be any icebergs in California, but there's still going to something going down faster than the Titanic -- we're sure she'll catch him if she can. "Bar"-ing any interruptions from the supposed girlfriend, we'd say this love cruise has already departed to shutter island. You know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Girl.

    The love-less Taylor Swift may not be so lucky. The world over already knows the heartbreak Jonases, Lautners and Mayers have caused -- that is, if they've listened to Speak Now as often as we have -- and now the whirlwind courting that was her tryst with Jake Gyllenhaal has also come to a close. Who else better to advise our Nashville ingenue than perennially spurned Jennifer Aniston? GATECRASHER tells us Jen pulled Taylor over at the People's Choice Awards. "Hang in there," Jen offered. We'll second that -- hang in there, Taylor! Why you gotta be so mean, Jake?

  • Britney's got a new single, with a huge chorus pulled taut by beat geniuses Dr. Luke and Max Martin. Its mercury-bounce stuttering -- steeped in Rusko-spiced dubstep -- makes it all click. The track kills. As if an excuse was needed, now people are jabbering about Brit engagement rumors. The lucky guy, Jason Trawick, is described in PAGE SIX as her "boyfriend/agent/minder." He went to dinner with Britney, held hands with Britney, then hung out with Nicky and Paris with Britney. Living the dream dude!

    Would you watch a reality show about Patrick McMullan, shutterbug to the stars? GATECRASHER has it that a "freelance" producer is floating the concept. We'll weigh in: we've lived in The Patrick Show a few times -- we have hazy memories of him rolling around with some models on those weird couches at Le Bain, got sweat on together at Don Hills, witnessed him in action various other parties -- and we have to say, good times. Let's see if he can avoid being "a Kardashian," per his wishes.

  • The New Niceness extends not to the world of New York's socialites -- on that cloud the name of the game is "frenemy." Kashmir Snowden-Jones --  who taken some heat after a wee bit of identity theft -- has quite a number of these frenemies. They've started a rumor that she signed up for nude modeling gigs of Craigslist, so far she's fallen, and naturally she denies, denies, denies the accusation to PAGE SIX. But hey, it landed her in PAGE SIX! Lessons learned: Rumors always rule, and money's money. 

    What now what to do with you, Maggie Gyllenhaal, meditation diva. Via GATECRASHER: The actress has been cutting lines at Jivamukti Yoga Center. Miss Maggie Gyllenhall, that is no way to make friends. What is it with this family! Dumping the lovely Taylor Swift and screwing over people waiting in a place of peace! We're never watching Donnie Darko again.

  • OK, Gatecrasher: It pains us to not hand you guys the crown solely for that wonderful Jennifer Aniston/Taylor Swift heart-to-heart of the red carpet. It's something else. It's endearing. It's winning. It makes us feel like there's real warmth in this vapid, pretty, flashy world of celebrity that we love anyway. But the other days just couldn't quite get there. Page Six had Leo and Blake mingling in The Hills, which is an image that will not leave our minds for a long time. Page Six had yachts and Britney and a preggers Khloe Kardashian. It's a miasma of slander, gossip, and scandal. And that's what keeps us going. All those things pumped up and flashing neon and erupting into fireworks, glitter and confetti. Pure and unadulterated spectacle. Keep on giving it to us -- Scandal Report needs glitz like a drug. And you better believe we mainline that shit.

    So, until next week! Love, Scandal Report.