Kanye West (@kanyewest)
WHAT WE LEARNED: The first cut from Watch The Throne, a 'Ye and Jay album that is -- thank God -- actually happening, dropped this week. It's got the two titans spitting over a gargantuan opera-sampling track that's in fact so big it sort of engulfs the rhymes, but no matter. This is a good thing. And it crashed Facebook! No one man, all that power, et cetera.
Tim Ferriss (@tferriss)
THE TWEET: IMPORTANT 4HB TYPO: Be sure to omit green tea extract from PAGG before bed. Even decaff green tea can cause insomnia.
WHAT WE LEARNED: Tim Ferriss is a top-flight enthusiasm salesman with a new book out, The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman. The zeal with which he tackles each of those subtitles is such that The New York Times was forced to deploy not just one but two exclamation points. We're not exactly sure what he's talking about here, but we'll make damn sure to never trust decaffeinated tea ever again. Why? Because of this Tim Ferriss character and his fuck-yeah go-get-'em attitude!!
Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)
WHAT WE LEARNED: Piers Morgan is a limey talk show host who's sailed across the Atlantic and found himself at CNN, in the still-warm seat of the departed Larry King. New York fêted the Brit this week -- a bash at 21, dinner at countrywoman Tina Brown's flat, probably some sort of tea altercation at some point. Soon he'll be on our television sets! Anyway, here he is defending Greek website owner Arianna Huffington, after a vast media conspiracy attacked her for talking on her cell phone on a plane. The lady has aggregation to do, people! There's no liberal blogosphere without Arianna! How will planes even take off without The Huffington Post! Thanks for the sanity, Piers.
Lena Dunham (@lenadunham)
WHAT WE LEARNED: Tiny Furniture auteur Lena Dunham is going to have a good 2011. She's become besties with Judd Apatow, the comedy world's puppetmaster, and now he roped HBO into greenlighting her Greenpoint-based show "Girls." Fair-trade coffee and funny Polish neighbors for everyone!
David Cho (@davidcho)
THE TWEET: THEY ARE OPENING A CHIPOTLE ON HOUSTON AND BROADWAY??? IS TODAY CHRISTMAS??? DID THEY CHANGE CHRISTMAS TO JANUARY 12TH????
WHAT WE LEARNED: We learned that a certain piece of information was very vital to David Cho, publisher of The Awl. All we need now is... Barbacoa burrito bowl, no sour cream, black beans, fajita vegetables, tomatillo green-chili salsa. No, no guacamole, thanks. And a Diet Coke. To go. Yep that's it.
Funkmaster Flex (@funkmasterflex)
WHAT WE LEARNED: Wait, what did you spend your $180,000 on? Like a house or something? Your child's education? Kidney transplant? You're so stupid. Did you really not know that you could have spent it on a customized Tiret watch with the face of Kanye West displayed in many-hued diamonds and jewels? You don't follow Funkmaster Flex on Twitter, and that was your first mistake. Sure, you can get the watch customized so your own face is on it, but why would you want that. Admit it -- Kanye is prettier than you. He's sure as hell prettier than we are! We own five of these watches! Wearing one right now! Oh what up diamond Kanye watch. It's 3:49? Sick!