Softball Report: Bonghitters Smoking the Competition, NewsBeast’s New Look

newsweek daily beast softball unis Softball Report: Bonghitters Smoking the Competition, NewsBeasts New LookHighbrow softball season is continuing—full-swing, of course—through the summer. Monday afternoon’s game pitting The Paris Review against High Times betrayed the hyper-intellectualized and mellow qualities respective to the publications playing.

A verbal skirmish flared up between a High Times Bonghitter and a Review Parisian over whether one Parisian slapped a Bonghitter’s glove, and furthermore, whether another Parisian had properly apologized for kicking a Bonghitter as he rounded the bases.

“It’s the paranoia,” said contributing editor Sadie Stein, citing a potential cause of the Bonghitters’ apparent agitation.

Both teams have small staffs, so they have to rely on friends and contributors of dubious frequency to fill out their lineups. When The Paris Review brings in a ringer, he’s writing a book on German-Jewish relations, and wearing swim trunks instead of athletic shorts. When trade magazine High Times brings their ringers, they have marijuana leaves tattooed on their arms.

The tumultuous game ended 12-11 in the Bonghitters favor. As the opening strains of the Bonghitters rallying cry “Take Me Out to the Bong game” flooded the field, a Parisian observed: “Smoking weed has never been less cool.”

The Parisians leadership was far less cynical about the affair: “I’m still shaking from all the adrenaline,” said editor Lorin Stein as he unlocked his bike after the game. Mr. Stein was on his way to DUMBO to talk about Roberto Bolaño’s recently released compendium of non-fiction.

The Bonghitters played a double header on Monday. After the narrow win, the team headed uptown to play Vanity Fair.

The Vanity Fair team—commonly known to many as the “Veefers”—has more staff to draw from, and was a mix of everyone from shiny-haired women from advertising to an art department staffer in knee socks and American Apparel shorts, among others.

High Times, having warmed up with the Review, clobbered Vanity Fair 19-2.

Chronic winners that they are, High Times slayed The Daily Beast/Newsweek—who were fresh off of a victory against defending league champions The Wall Street Journal—18-0 in a shortened, four-inning game due to torrential rain. Next week should be easier for the High Times’ rivals: many of their star players are headed to San Francisco for a medical marijuana conference.

It’s too bad “Newsbeast” won’t have their shot against High Times this week: the Observer recently obtained an exclusive on the team’s new uniforms (above), from a source deep within their confines (spokesperson Andrew Kirk). They even came to us with a quote!

Randall Lane, team captain and Daily Beast editor-at-large: “In the highly competitive New York Media Softball League, the combined Newsweek and Daily Beast team has already beaten the reigning champion Wall Street Journal and crushed The Economist in a friendly [non-league game]. We’re confident that we will flex our combined muscles again Thursday when we play Forbes.”

Last Thursday, a Broadway titan and a sensational newcomer prepared to square off in game 7 of the Broadway League softball season. “Five minutes to places!” joked a team member shortly before the Wicked v. The Book of Mormon game commenced.

Final score: 5-4, Wickeds. Tyson Jenette, a ‘swing’ cast member of Mormon, was the team’s cheerleader, clad in a shirt that declared “I <3 Mormon boys”, wielding a wooden stick at least six feet tall. “This is my ‘eleka-nahmen’ stick!” he proclaimed, alluding to a lyric from Wicked’s “No Good Deed”.

On occasion, he would shake it at the opposing team. Incidentally, his team seemed to strike out whenever he did so.

Nevertheless, divine intervention was not on their side, as Wicked seemed to have cast a spell over the end of the sixth-inning, ending the 4-4 tie, clinching the game with a final score of 5-4.  As the teams dispersed, an onlooker mumbled, “it’s okay, as long as you all win on Sunday. That’s the only game that matters.” True to form, the Mormons took home a majority on the Tonys, something Wicked wasn’t able to do the year it premiered on Broadway, falling to Avenue Q, which currently plays off-Broadway.

Comments

  1. bloomdude says:

    Forbes 14, NewsBeast 11

  2. Wbg77 says:

    The core of The High Times Bonghitters has been the same for nearly a decade. Not ringers. The Paris Review should have a nice aged cheese to go with their whine.

  3. Wbg77 says:

    The core of The High Times Bonghitters has been the same for nearly a
    decade. Not ringers. And no weed tats. The Paris Review should have a nice aged cheese to
    go with their whine.