It only took the removal of an errant letter A for a private committee of “about a half-dozen largely unknown people” (as The New York Times described them) to put the “poor” back in Standard & Poor’s on Friday, sending the market spiraling downward into the increasingly all-too-familiar abyss—which we’re trying to think of as a sort of subterranean vacation spot. Sure, it’s dark and fills us with a palpable sense of foreboding, but so do the Hamptons. What’s the diff? St. Louis native Lucy Nobbe, a vice president at Wedbush Securities, was so infuriated by the turmoil that she hired a plane to buzz Wall Street carrying a banner that read “THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED.” We don’t entirely disagree with the sentiment, but our flair for the dramatic isn’t quite so pronounced. We’d have probably Tweeted it out with 53 characters to spare.
And really, we’re staying calm because we know there are hedging options. Maybe not bitcoin, which the Atlantic declared dead on Monday. And probably not gold, which broke $1700, which means we should probably be paying for our plane ticket to the Caymans in cold, hard… mineral? Okay, forget hedging. We’ll stick with denial, like everyone responsible for Treasuries rallying early this week.
To be fair, it might have been the worst downgrade, but it wasn’t the only one. Alec Baldwin is downgrading to Central Park West, abandoning his $9.5 million pad for Soho, according to the New York Post, who attribute the move to his yoga instructing girlfriend’s preferences that he be a little more, well, flexible in his choice of neighborhood. The Internet has downgraded its favored meme of photoshopping Steve Buscemi’s eyes onto men, women, children and inanimate objects, opting instead for photoshopping Michelle Bachmann’s eyes onto the same. (One site went a step further and photoshopped Michelle Bachmann’s eyes onto Steve Buscemi, providing closure for those who were lamenting the death of the meme.) And Jay Walden, having downgraded the MTA for the Hong Kong, left a vacancy for Andrew Cuomo to fill with no clear candidates for the position waiting in the wings. So we’re nominating one of our own: senior editor Tom Acitelli. (See page 12. We’re told no one else wants the job anyway.) Senior editor to MTA CEO: upgrade!
Or maybe not, now that we think about it.