Amateur Hour! Adventures in Porno Self-Publishing

Make your own sex-tape, and don't forget to share.

diyporn final cameronklewis Amateur Hour! Adventures in Porno Self Publishing

Illo: Cameron K. Lewis

When I run into John on the arm of his new girlfriend at Milady’s, a bar on the Soho block on which I’ve lived for eight years, I figure I have two options: throw a glass of wine in his face, or fling my friend’s pint of Guinness instead.

Then I remember our sex tape. I still have the footage, but he has the link. In a way, so does every other wanker on the internet. Maybe we shouldn’t have posted it after all.

Returning home a bit drunk—and yes, a bit nostalgic—I find myself searching my hard drive for the unedited file. Soon enough, I’m reliving the moment. To be honest, we weren’t half bad. Our off-camera rapport may not have been great, but our on-screen chemistry was explosive. Watching John and myself execute a flawless transition, around minute 20, from doggy style to reverse cowgirl without, um, missing a beat, I can’t help but be impressed. We had great sex. No wonder we decided to show it off!

“What are your feelings about pornography?” I remember John asking during breakfast. It was a Monday, which meant that John was eating a toasted bagel and cream cheese to offset the return-to-work blues.

Here it is, I thought. We’d just hit the Three Month Crossroads. In my experience, this is the moment when a couple either ramps it up, or calls it a day. And since we were getting along well enough, I figured I’d indulge his desire for a porn-watching session.

Truth be told, I kind of like porn. I’m not into anything overly kinky or sadomasochistic, but the gentler stuff can be interesting, if not always illuminating.

Later that night, John sat in the office chair in front of the computer and I perched on his lap as we clicked through the cavalcade of erotica on view. We recoiled in horror at certain clips (perhaps it was feigned horror, to be honest) but were rapt throughout. There were thousands of them, with every possible kink represented and uploaded from seemingly every nation on earth: a “small world after all” — of pure unadulterated smut. It seemed most citizens of the world were willing to share their most intimate moments with us.

If it weren’t so damn lewd, it might actually be sort of moving.

That’s when it occurred to me that not everyone is doing his or her part for the common good. Many of us watch porn online—perhaps all of us, at one time or another—but only a noble few make contributions commensurate with our viewing habits. Suddenly, sharing a homemade porn with the cyber world seemed as important a societal contribution as recycling.

“Let’s post our own,” I said.

“What?” John asked, flabbergasted, with one hand snaking toward my waistband.

“Really. We owe it to the world! If we’re going to watch them, they should be able to watch us, especially while we’re still young and attractive.”

He looked skeptical.

“And virile,” I added meaningfully, shifting my weight a bit. We resolved to shoot the following weekend.

Until that point, the closest I’d come to exploring porn within a relationship was the occasion on which I traded favorite naughty clips with a former lover while he was out of town. That episode led to a heated debate on the merits of Lesbian Homework Club versus Blonde Girl Blowjob. Eager to better understand my would-be audience as well as the competitive landscape, I began doing some due diligence on my own.

I researched role-play and costuming options and noted the importance of lighting and mise en scene. I even Googled Viagra, figuring it could be fun to pop one beforehand. Then I read the list of Viagra’s side effects, which included dizziness, headache, heartburn, nosebleeds, and, most notably, difficulty deciphering blue from green. Nevermind!

Finally, I sampled more footage. Alone at home, agog before my laptop, I combed through any site that offered free content: XHamster, NewbieNudes, YouPorn, FilthDump, RedTube, RealAmateurFuck, etc.

An hour later, I felt a bit too acquainted with variations on male and female genitalia, and way too familiar with disingenuous orgasms. The moans and howls ringing in my ears were more “Kim Kardashian Gets a New Rolls” than “Kim Kardashian Gets Boned By Ray J.”

At 8pm on the appointed night, John and his Flip cam arrived.

Comments

  1. Henry Baum says:

    This seems like half an article.  “Suddenly, sharing a homemade porn
    with the cyber world seemed as important a societal contribution as
    recycling.”  Yeah, that’s funny, and there are ways that exhibitionism
    can be healthy, and maybe it’s ripping away taboos so that sex becomes
    the normal thing it is, but online porn also seems like the product of a
    desperate kind of narcissism – something that’s getting more rampant in
    the culture, which isn’t exactly healthy. To claim as cover that this
    is all healthy is really putting blinders on, but maybe that’s the only
    way you can think public fucking is a good idea.