Dunkin' Donuts Just Got Dunked On By Goldman Sachs

In July, Dunkin’ Donuts went public (or: started to have stock in the company sold on the Nasdaq Stock Market, Homer). And since that very famous, much-ballyhooed public debt, shares in the company soared 42% above where they were since they started selling them. Who lead the Dunkin’ IPO and helped get that thing selling?

But of course, the cholesterol-long Goldman Sachs, who even bought 3.3 M shares of the stock at $19 each (it’s now at $27.02). So what’s Goldman’s next move with the donut empire? To cut a huge hole out of it, obviously!

Via Bloomberg news, this is happening, and yes, they’ve likely tried the Bear Claws.  A Goldman analyst named Michael Kelter thinks selling donuts is “macro-sensitive” in an “uncertain” economic situation, such as the one we’ve been very much in lately!

Weak consumer sentiment may curb Dunkin’s sales, “despite a boost” from the introduction of single-serve K-Cups, Michael Kelter, a Goldman Sachs analyst in New York, wrote in a note today after initiating coverage of the company. Dunkin’s U.S. business is “highly macro-sensitive against an uncertain economic backdrop,” he said.

Have they never heard of anxiety-driven binge eating? 10 out of 10 people with anxiety-induced binge-eating habits and nine out of ten morbidly obese people give Dunkin a ‘Buy’ rating*, while taking a ‘Sell’ position on the idea that people don’t eat donuts when things get bad. And they would know.

Whether or not Dunkin Donuts actually is overvalued remains to be seen, but, really, it’s a donut shop franchise. Unless they’re a national methamphetamine network, their finances should be pretty clear, so maybe Goldman just now found a (donut) hole in their accounting, or maybe they’re in talks with Krispe Kreme to arrange a takeover.

But selling on donuts in times of stress? It goes beyond simply wrong. It’s basically unholy.

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

*Totally fabricated but entirely likely.

Dunkin' Donuts Just Got Dunked On By Goldman Sachs