While the Sex and the City prequel film is still up in the air, rumors today abound that the CW will be coming to rescue young Americans from having to think about relationships in anything other than metaphors about chocolate. Think: a TV adaptation of The Carrie Diaries, Candace Bushnell’s teen tale of the iconic Bradshaw during her senior year of high school. Obviously, this show will be produced by Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage, they of Gossip Girl and The O.C. fame. Who knows the inner-workings of rich teenagers better than those two.
And yet…we have reservations. The Carrie Diaries have become hit books for the misguided YA set who, when they aren’t dreaming about making out with vampires, plot their future marriage to Chris Noth’s eyebrows. But we can’t help but remember the ill-fated Valley Girls: Schwartz and Savage’s attempt to create an origin story for Gossip Girl’s resident old person, Lily van der Woodsen.
We can just imagine Schwartz and Savage using the discarded designer nouns from Valley Girl and just replacing them, Mad Libs-style, for The Carrie Diaries. To give you an example, we’ve taken some choice quotes from Candace’s original “Sex and the City” column and slightly reworked them to fit into the network’s model of what 80s teen culture looked like.
Sex and the City: June 26, 1995
“Bad things can happen to city women when they come back from visiting their newly-married-with-children friends in the suburbs. First, on the train back, one feels a yearning for those green yards, waxed Acuras and adorable children. Then, revulsion sets in, pure disgust at the lack of interesting people, artists, musicians. Instead, you get all those Stepford Wives, and their sniveling brats and fake wood paneling. Gimme shelter—in Bowery Bar.”
The Carrie Diaries – Episode 2
“Bad things can happen to city women when they come back from visiting their friends with newly-remarried moms in the suburbs. First, on the train back, one feels a yearning for perms, waxed Lotus Esprits and jelly bracelets. Then, revulsion sets in, pure disgust at the lack of interesting people, artists, musicians, and all the other weird kids from Saint Ann’s. Instead, you get all those step-dads, off-brand Valium, and fake IDs that say you were born in 1984. Gimme shelter—at Tunnel.”
Sex and the City: Sometime before 1996
“I moved into a friend’s apartment,” said Bunny, “and about two weeks later I met Dudley at Chester’s—that East Side bar for young swells. Within five minutes of meeting him, I was annoyed. He was wearing spectator shoes, a trilby hat and a Ralph Lauren suit…He tells bad jokes, makes fun of my pony-skin designer shoes. ‘I’m a cow, moo, wear me,’ he said. ‘Excuse me, but I believe you’re the big beef,’ I said. I was embarrassed to be seen talking to him.”
The Carrie Diaries: Episode 3
“I’m sleeping over at a friend’s apartment,” said Bunny, “and about two weeks later I met Dudley at Limelight—that Chelsea spot for young kids who liked the Peter Murphy post-Bauhaus scene. Within five minutes of meeting him, I was annoyed. He was wearing Perry Ellis racers, Ray-Bans and a Z-Cavaricci sweater…He tells bad jokes, makes fun of my pony-skin designer shoes. ‘I’m a cow, moo, wear me,’ he said. ‘Excuse me, but where’s the beef?’ I said. I was embarrassed to be seen talking to him.”
Sex and the City: March 25th, 1996
“There are things worse than being 35, single and female in New York. Like: being 25, single and female in New York.
It’s a rite of passage few women would want to repeat. It’s about sleeping with the wrong men, wearing the wrong clothes, having the wrong roommate, saying the wrong thing, being ignored, getting fired, not being taken seriously and generally being treated like shit.”
The Carrie Diaries – Episode 4
“There are things worse than being 18, single and female in New York. Like: being 16, single and female in New York.
Sophomore year is something few seniors would want to repeat. It’s about going to second base (under shirt, above bra) with the wrong homeroom teacher, having the wrong parents, being ignored, watching your homeroom teacher get fired, not being taken seriously and generally being treated like shit.”
Too bad this show is too late to cash into the 80s nostalgia vibe…maybe if Carrie had grown up in the late 90s, they could run Diaries to compete with Degrassi time-slots on Teen Nick.