The social and religious contracts surrounding the winter solstice dictate that we display affection for the people in our lives through material gifts, even though, more often than not, we kind of hate those people. Look on the bright side: It’s the perfect opportunity for sanctioned acts of passive aggression. Here we offer suggestions for eight such people, from the girlfriend you’re planning on dumping to the assistant you wish you could fire.
An inexpensive and thoughtless gift is the best way to subliminally prepare your loved one for an imminent break-up without scrapping your holiday travel plans. The strategy works best if the holiday token refers to an earlier, more substantial gift. Let the cost discrepancy speak for your heart. If you got her an iPad for her birthday, your Christmas gift should be either an iPad case, like this Apple Smart Case ($39, apple.com) or that paid app she wouldn’t normally spring for, like FruitNinja HD ($2.99 in the App Store).
Why is it, in some families, that one child gets dad's speedy metabolism, the mom's aptitude for standardized testing and grandma's aquiline nose, while the other ends up a total troll? There is no justice in genetics, but there can be vengeance under the Christmas tree. Give your clan's golden child a gift that makes it clear that her genetic privilege makes her fully ineligible for your sympathy, let alone presents. Give a needy child cleft palate surgery in her name at Operation Smile (operationsmile.com) or give her one of these knit caps from thehungersite.com. They're made by Nepalese artisans at the Kumbeshwar Technical School in the Himalayas, and each purchase sends 25 cups of food to a famished region of the world. On second thought, scratch the hat. She could actually make that cool.
Like a bartender, a superintendent is someone you must tip, no matter how poorly they treat you. Even if it took four months for your building's super to replace the hall light, and even if he watched and ignored every delivery person that stood, baffled, before your (still) broken buzzer, you simply can't risk his retribution. A houseplant makes for a thoughtful holiday gift; you know firsthand how dreary your place gets. We recommend an rare, expensive, and extremely high maintenance varietal, like this Zygo orchid, at orchids.com Its daily regimen of watering and rotation means he has to at least stop by the building once a day. It's also very sensitive to temperature fluctuations. When it dies instantly and violently, maybe you can finally persuade him to adjust the radiators in your unit.
For people in relationships, gift-giving is like a taking a test on their mate's tastes and desires. But for the millions of Americans believed to be living in less conventional arrangements, the right gift can help confuse their partners and obfuscate their feelings. If you want to keep hanging out but don't want to seem emotionally needy, a generic gift like a Brooks Brothers tie or a bottle of Veuve Clicquot says, "I look forward to your continued business in 2012." For a winking acknowledgment of your shambolic relationship, try a tacky version of the gift you would have gotten her if she had let you call her your girlfriend. Like this number from the Jane Seymour "Open Hearts" collection at Kay Jewelers ($169.99 at kay.com). The most appropriate gesture, however, might be to simply regift the Penguin Classic you got from your other hookup buddy. Just like his HPV.
It's not entirely your mopey 23-year old nephew's fault that he's still living at home. Who knew there would come a time when a B.A. from Amherst and a winning spree on College Jeopardy wasn't enough to crack the job market? Still, he should be punished for not being cooler about the whole thing. Doesn't he know how much would you give to be so free? To backpack through Vietnam, looking they way you did at 23? A traditional gift for the young and ambitious, like this leather briefcase ($895, tanthony.com) might be just the thing to push him over the edge. If you're feeling generous, put a flask of vodka inside, wrapped in a hand-written note that says, "Not all who wander are lost."
Among the most onerous to shop for are the childhood friends and distant cousins who insists on upholding an annual holiday gift exchange even though you now live on different coasts and haven't been close since you hit puberty. The only way to end this Christmas cold war is through drastic escalation. Monitor her Facebook activity to figure out the particulars of her current social life, and then give her a gift so specific it's stalkerish. If she's tagged in an album called "Real Women Eat Meat," for example, send modest gift certificates to a local chain steakhouse to her and seven of her most prominent Facebook friends with personalized, knowing notes, like, "Hope your babysitter's free, Mallory, because next ladies steak night is on me. ;)"
Thanks to Mad Men, menswear bloggers and macho mixologists, it's now socially acceptable for men to spout pedantic opinions about American heritage brands and rare bitters like they once did sports stats. Tell the bespoke bro in your life that you will no longer abide that tedious talk by gifting accordingly. Commonness is his kryptonite, so go with bottle of Johnnie Walker (nothing nicer than Red Label) or a Gap merino v-neck ($34, gap.com). Include the gift receipt to extend his torment beyond Christmas.
He started out great, but lately your assistant has been flubbing your lunch reservations, jamming up your line, and cc-ing where he ought to bcc . You're pretty sure his cryptic tweets are about you, and that would be grounds for dismissal, but the thought of breaking in a new one is too daunting. Scare him straight by pairing his annual holiday bonus (ever-so-slightly smaller than last year's), with something that could be interpreted as a parting gift, like a nice pen, a new piece of luggage, or the Dr. Seuss graduation classic, "Oh The Places You'll Go!" ($12.23, Amazon.com).
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