It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and We Feel Fine

136307810 It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and We Feel Fine

Mayor Bloomberg and Lady Gaga ringing in the new year.

It’s 2012, and according to the Mayan calendar and that documentary about John Cusack trying to save his family by piloting a plane out of New York, we’ve come to the tail end of mankind’s history on this planet. Since we don’t know exactly how many more months (or weeks? or—gasp!—days!?!) we have left until the meteor strikes and obliterates us like it did those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park (here’s hoping some mosquitoes carrying our DNA get trapped in amber!) we’ve decided to look on the bright side of this new year. After all, it may be the last one we’ve got.

And what a New York New Year’s Eve it was! Mayor Michael Bloomberg even invited Lady Gaga to be his date for the midnight ball drop—a match made in some weird, David Lynchian heaven. We were racking our brains trying to think of what those two might have in common except a penchant for wearing questionable sweaters, but couldn’t think of anything. Ms. Gaga’s 2011 campaign was all about anti-bullying, while Mayor Bloomberg sent police in riot gear to end a two-month stand-off with some hippies in a small park. Oh, who can blame him? So he’s part of the 1 percent. Baby, he was born that way. (Perhaps that’s what Mayor Bloomberg and Ms. Gaga actually share in common: a shared tax bracket and love of fine Manhattan apartments.)

Sadly, the Bloomberg-Gaga combo wasn’t the strangest thing as the clock struck midnight. Kathy Griffin, once again appealing to the lowest common denominator of CNN viewers who are home alone on New Year’s, actually took off her shirt during her annual hosting gig. BFF Anderson Cooper’s tittering response after he stopped pretending to be shocked by Ms. Griffin’s yearly ploy for attention? “You’ve got a rocking bod.”

On the other hand, ABC—which usually keeps New Year’s Eve slightly more classy—flashed an odd image in-between shots of the cheering crowds in Times Square. Was that … why, yes, it is! Jenny McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen, gently sucking face with a member of New York’s finest. This image was replayed on loop for approximately the next three hours, and later Ms. McCarthy was even interviewed holding hands with the uncomfortable-looking NYPD officer. Don’t worry officer, if Jim Carrey comes after you, you always have your Taser. Actually, that’s not terrible advice for the next time a crazy lady who believes that innoculating children against horrible diseases causes autism (a disease that can be cured by love and a good diet!) tries to wiggle her tongue down your throat in a desperate bid for attention.

But there was one weekend treat to cause New Yorkers to cheer for something other than an arbitrary date on a calender marking their slow progression toward extinction: the New York Giants made it into the playoffs! Hoorah! It was a post-Christmas miracle to see the otherwise Scroogey Tom Coughlin break into a smile after his team decimated the Dallas Cowboys. And hey, maybe that means that Victor Cruz’s little salsa dance after every touchdown will replace Tebowing as this season’s most imitated maneuver by impressionable high school students. At least the wide receiver’s little shimmy-shake isn’t indicative of his steadfast belief that Jesus hates gay people and abortions.

So as you begin to stockpile food, Manolo Blahniks and Champagne in preparations for the end of the world, remember, it’s not over yet. We still have a whole lot of crazy to get through first.

 

Comments

  1. Genny 1992 says:

    ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!