Whoa, slow down there, Anne Hathaway. We know that after eight watered-down vodka cranberries, things can get pretty emotional in this private karaoke booth we’ve rented for your birthday. We know that your ex-boyfriend, the Italian schemer Raffaello Follieri, to whom you gave your heart away for the first time, got out of jail very recently. That has got to bring up a lot of mixed emotions for you.
But couldn’t you have picked like, a Whitney Houston song or something? Maybe a little Patsy Cline? We mean, we are all friends here and do what you want, but you just seem like you are way to into singing Fantine’s “I Dreamed a Dream” right now, and we think we speak for the group here when we say it’s making us all feel a little uncomfortable.
Honestly, you know who I feel bad for? Not Hugh Jackman, whose love of song is only rivaled by the disappointment of his female fans over his love of song. And not Russell Crowe, who only really has to do “Stars” and the Confrontation song before picking up his check and going home to throw a cell phone and some peasant paparazzo. Not even Amanda Seyfried, since she’s sort of a neutral substance that is never really affected by all the crappy films she’s in.
No, we feel really bad for poor Eddie Redmayne, who is still the second least important “star” of the film adaptation, despite his breakout performance in My Weekend with Marilyn. Poor Mr. Redmayne. Well, at least we can stop imagining Marius as inexplicably chubby. And we bet you will not be able to stop from tearing up when he kicks in during “A Little all of Rain.”
A good, another round of kamikaze shots. No, Anne, give us back the mic. We’re not going to let you go twice, even if it is your special day, and you really are feeling like Sally Bowles’ “Maybe This Time.”