There are two types of people in this world: those who think that alcohol creates problems and those who think that alcohol solves them. Most people believe in the latter, but some believe in the former. And for some reason that “some” always happens to be elected officials. Are we lucky, or what?
Because of this unfortunate coincidence, New Yorkers are looking at a mighty dry summer. Put away that flask, leave your portable wine carafe at home, and stuff a Smart Water into that drink holder on your beach chair because there will be no public drinking allowed.
Since the early days of Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the City has been pinballing the idea of banning outdoor alcohol assumption at street festival and fairs, but this year they’re taking it further.
We would quote the Office of Citywide Event Coordination and Management, but their statement is dreadfully long, incredibly boring, and undeserving of that much space. Suffice it to say that alcohol is prohibited from events at parks, parades, block parties—Not block parties! Alcohol is the glue that bonds neighbors together!—special events and street festivals. So basically any time you step over the threshold of a door, inhale fresh oxygen, and/or feel UV rays on your skin, you should not have a drink in your hand, unless you want a ticket in the other. That even goes for the humble stoop. How low can you go?
This might be the government’s first step in assuring the creation of a mutually-destructive, Dystopian future society, but since we are good, law-abiding citizens here at The Observer, we’ll play along.
Our only question: does kombucha count as alcohol?