Everything You Never Knew You Didn’t Want For the Fourth of July

  • Celebrate Independence Day this year by spending your money on unnecessary displays of affection for our dear country. Be independent! Spend frivolously! Extra points for buying things that were made in the U.S.

  • Not for children under 3, or from liberal households.

  • Loving embrace? Or sexual harassment? We're not sure.

  • Sweater optional.

  • For those who want to feel close to their country ... really close.

  • The seller says it better than us:
    "Let me help you picture yourself wearing this.
    First, I need you to open your iTunes and put on any song from Katy Perry's chart-topping album Teenage Dream. I recommend "California Girls," but no pressure. Next, I'm going to need you to open Youtube and put on a Wonder Woman best fight scenes video montage. Fingers crossed that fans actually have made these. If not, a Linda Carter fan slideshow could do the trick. Make sure that Youtube is on silent, otherwise it will be all "ahhh what is happening". Lastly, lock your door, put on the red lipstick you just stole from your mom/cross dressing dad, take your hair down and do a couple flips with it, and do your best flash dance impression."

  • How else does one meet people at parties?

  • Maybe next July you'll be able to use this in public.

  • Starvation: Celebrating your independence one skipped meal at a time.

  • Stunner shades—because sometimes you want to keep how hard you partied to yourself.