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What Starlet Should Tom Cruise Marry Next?

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By Daniel D'Addario 7/10/12 8:45am
Next in Observer

Bravo's Silicon Valley Looks Like a Wildly Entertaining Trainwreck

  • Nicole Kidman
    Start The Slideshow

    Now that Tom Cruise is single again, we found ourselves looking back to the innocent beginnings of his relationship with Katie Holmes–and no, not just the part where she disappeared for weeks and then showed up on his arm in Italy! We refer, instead, to the apocryphal “audition process” that Ms. Holmes won over other starlets like Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, and Scarlett Johansson. Who knows if this really happened; don’t sue us! But if Mr. Cruise were to audition a fourth wife, here are the ladies he might like to consider.

  • Back Forward Jennifer Lopez

    Jennifer Lopez

    Ms. Lopez grants Mr. Cruise access to TV and music fans (he’s so limited by his film career!), grants him entry to the Latin market (like past girlfriends Sofia Vergara and Penelope Cruz) and is age-appropriate for Mr. Cruise--no, this’ll never work.

  • Back Forward Michelle Monaghan

    Michelle Monaghan

    She plays Mr. Cruise’s love in the Mission: Impossible films and looks a lot like Katie Holmes--no, like, a LOT.

  • Back Forward Katharine McPhee

    Katharine McPhee

    Also looks like Ms. Holmes, and is actually thirsty enough for press to go for this. This is a woman who did a staged paparazzi shoot reading The Hunger Games and drinking refreshing Pepsi!

  • Back Forward Maggie Gyllenhaal

    Maggie Gyllenhaal

    She replaced Katie Holmes in the Batman movies. Why not replace Katie Holmes in straining-to-believe-in-the-magic-of-love People covers?

  • Back Forward Carly Rae Jepsen

    Carly Rae Jepsen

    She may actually be more famous than Tom Cruise at this moment in human history?

  • Back Forward Lena Dunham

    Lena Dunham

    We don’t think this pairing would actually work, but it’s a slideshow on the internet, so we should probably mention her name.

  • Back Forward Keira Knightley

    Keira Knightley

    This relationship might not work, but sometimes we like to repeat her name just to make sure she ever even existed and wasn’t just a dream we had that lasted from 2003 to 2008.

  • Back Forward Katy Perry

    Katy Perry

    Maybe Tom Cruise shouldn’t actually get married again? Maybe he just needs to play the field, work on himself for a while.

  • Back Nicole Kidman

    Nicole Kidman

    You know what? We’re sorry. We just still believe in love.

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