A Guide to Your RNC Emergency Pack

  • lunchboxmmmuppetsl A Guide to Your RNC Emergency PackSo you’re at the Republican convention in Tampa, and between the oppressive heat, terrible food and lack of indoor smoking areas (What is this, Canada?!) you’re thinking of just ending it all by throwing yourself between Artur Davis and a superlative.

    But don’t worry, we here at The Observer have prepared an emergency kit for just this kind of dire situation. Contents inside, but be frugal: sharing with others will be identified as a form of Communism and will cause you to be ejected from the premises.

  • For Ann Romney. She just seems so wonderf...no! Stop! You know you're love will never be requited. It's a lost cause...just give up the dream and try for Nikki Haley. She's got great teeth.

  • Did you know that Brad Arnold wrote “Kryptonite” when he was 15? OMG, so dreamy.

  • Makes that swirling blue background behind the speakers totally pop. Added bonus of making Mitt Romney appear three-dimensional.

  • New convention hashtag: #MyParentsWereImmigrantsButYoursWillBeDeported

  • No, not for Chris Christie, you jerks. It’s just a good idea to stock up on medical supplies for your grandparents before Paul Ryan puts his budget plan into action.

  • Best conversation starter during downtime.

  • It’ll keep those Ron Paul fanatics busy for awhile.

  • Most people don’t know about Paul Ryan's favorite hobby, but you can both share a laugh when the disappearance of Florida’s feline population is chalked up to ’gators.

  • Santorum is having a shit-fit because he’s run out of things to shake. This will probably calm him down; just tell him that it belongs to Freedom or America or something.

  • Set it for 1929: The best time in America’s history! (Remember to bring booze—you’ll make a fortune.)

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