New York’s Authentic Sports Club

2887436286 f960381c9d z New Yorks Authentic Sports Club

Gym. Whatever. (Flickr Rinkjustice)

Hey there, welcome to New York’s Authentic Sports Club, the first gym that specializes in a truly authentic New York workout. Is this your first time visiting one of our 900 locations citywide? It is? That’s cool. I could tell, because most people who have been in the scene a while know that the best spot is our new pop-up gym in Brooklyn. It doesn’t even have an address, actually. It’s just “the old bread factory” on Foursquare, if you want to check in sometime.

I see that you bought a trial membership from Groupon. Very cool. I know Andrew Mason, actually, he teaches kickboxing at the bread factory location when he’s in town. Sometimes you can find him grabbing a macro-bite with some of the Saturday Night Live cast, or the kids from Gossip Girl. Oh, but let me give you a tour of this place.

So this first level over here is where we keep our state-of-the-art cardio equipment: elliptical machines, treadmills and several stationary bikes that are missing both wheels and the seat … We really try to distinguish ourselves from all other workout facilities by going the extra mile, so you might have noticed that every station comes equipped with its own distractingly pungent woman in a XXL parka. She’s going to scream her profanity-laced interpretation of the scriptures at you while you try to ignore her.

That’s right: unlike other gyms we won’t name (Equinox), where everyone has to share between three or four crazy women standing in the front of the room, we went the extra mile and put an individual of dubious sanity in uncomfortably close proximity while you are forced to stare straight ahead and pretend they don’t exist.

After all, what if the guy next to you wanted to work out to a soundtrack detailing how Jesus will slaughter all the sinners during the rapture, while you were already in the middle of a 45-minute intense marathon on how the government is keeping tabs on everyone through our pagers? Here at New York Authentic Sports Club, we don’t think you should have to choose.

Through these doors here, you have your Soul Cycle classes. These fill up pretty quickly, but if you don’t get a spot on first rotation, don’t worry! At random intervals, our professionally certified staff will come around and open a car door directly into a cyclist’s stationary bike, simulating the authentic experience of riding in New York City. After we hose off the blood and teeth, feel free to grab the open spot and sweat off your winter pounds to Katy Perry’s latest single. But stay alert, and for God’s sake, always wear a helmet.

If biking’s not your thing, even better! We have plans to convert that room into a Ricky’s outlet.

Downstairs is our weight room. Or as we like to call it, our “boxes of everything you own that have to be moved to your new fifth-floor walk-up” room. Don’t ask any of our professional trainers to spot you: we can tell you now that they’re all really sorry, but something just came up and they have to bail.

On the top floor, you’ll find our lockers and showers. NYASP knows how privacy is important to us ladies, so they’ve developed something we like to call the New York Authentic “micro-suites”: 50-square-foot spaces that only you and three other young ladies around the same age have access to. These women will be your changing-room “mates,” and they will have weird space issues as well as passive-aggressive tendencies when it comes to sharing shampoo or body wash. However, you will each be provided with a complimentary scale.

Well that’s about it. The gym hours are  from 9 to 2 a.m., except on holidays and whenever the trains are running late.