Only Gwyneth Paltrow would call the Williamsburg area "unpretentious."

Gwyneth Paltrow has bought her GOOP newsletter to Brooklyn, meaning that all the hip 20-somethings must now pack up their fair-trade bindles and move to Queens.

She has strong ties to the borough: her dad was born in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital. Ms. Paltrow likes using her father to give her credibility. What gives her the authority to write a cookbook? Because her dad liked food. Why is she now a Brooklyn expert? Her dad was born there. Yikes.

Here's a partial list of places you can never be caught dead in again:

The hipsters will be so sad:

Bushwick is officially gentrified:

Have we all been there, Gwen?

Somehow we really doubt Paltrow's made it to Red Hook. Especially a place called "The Intercourse."

Actually these make sense. Park Slope might actually be the perfect place for Gwyn.

Wait ... Black Mountain was our little secret neighborhood bar!!

Damn you, Gwyneth!