Hey, New York Post, how are you doing? Everything going okay? You feeling alright? No, no … we’re just calling to check in. Your friends are, well, we’re a little worried about you the last couple days. Do you need to talk to someone?
God doesn’t hate you, Post. I know it can sometimes feel that way, but that’s just it: they are feelings. We aren’t out to delegitimize some very real things you are going through, but let us assure you that this is not the reality of the situation, which is that there is no God.
Yes, we know that you seemed to be in a better mood yesterday than you were the night before. But still … we have the number here for a really great therapist who helped out a friend of ours, and we’d really like it if you’d just give him a call.
Just do it for us, okay?