A Big, Sexy Day for Jews

You MUST click this link to enlarge. Trust us. (pinocchia.net)

You MUST click this link to enlarge. Trust us. (pinocchia.net)

Raise a glass of Manischewitz and toast to yentz: the chosen people are finally schtupping like vilde chaya. At least, that’s what we have to assume from this trio of reports that just came out, astounding the world with the news that yes, Jewish people like to have sex–a lot of it, apparently–and that having a schnoz like Lea Michele isn’t something you go to doctor Finklestein to turn into a ski-slope … it’s your ticket to a career in fetish pornography.

A new study in the American Sociological Review, titled “Religion and Sexual Behaviors: Understanding the Influence of Islamic Cultures and Religious Affiliation for Explaining Sex Outside of Marriage” explains that Jewish people are more likely to have premarital sex than Muslims. Okay, that’s not too mind-blowing. But then: “Researchers have also found that Jews tend to have more liberal sex-related attitudes than do Christians.” We also have the highest rate of extramarital sex, and came in second only to Hindus in lying about our proclivities in bedroom because of perceived societal pressure.

What sorts of proclivities? Maybe the one discovered by Heeb writer SASS after she posed for its Shtetl Bunny Series.

A couple of months ago, a casting director friend texted me and asked, “Do you ever Google yourself?” I told him it had been a long time. “Oh,” he responded, “did you know you’re on a big nose appreciation site ?”

As it turns out, way back in January of this year, pictures of me had been posted to Big Nose Appreciation Discussion Forum. The post had no description, only pictures. And not just pictures from the Heeb shoot, but some of my professional acting head shots as well. Which means, I realized, whoever put up that post visited both Heeb and my personal website to obtain the pictures.

Though originally unsettled, SASS decides that this “appreciation” site is actually a good thing for girls who will never have that alluring shiksa appeal.

This might just be a win for Jewish American Princesses everywhere. Women have complained for years about the rigid standards of beauty peddled by advertisers and Hollywood. But look how far we’ve come! If li’l old me, a Ginjew from Ohio, can be appreciated by strangers for her larger-than-average schnoz, girls everywhere can be appreciated for their below or above average attributes. Hell, me and Lea Michele are practically nasal pioneers! (As it turns out, the person who posted about me also posted about her. In fact, she was his second post ever.)

And if you thought the J-love only went in one direction, maybe you should head over to our sister site, Betabeat, which reported today on a study by the sugar daddy website, SeekingArrangement.com. (Oh! We had forgotten all about that place … wonder if our old account still works …)

As it turns out, the beneficiaries of the site would prefer to give a girlfriend experience to a Jew over all other religions.

Hey, look, we know: Big noses? Big wallets? These are the same stereotypes that have been used by bigots for centuries. But maybe this is a sign to finally reappropriate some of these character traits and be proud of our inherent Jewy sexiness.

After all: itlikhes tepl gefint zikh zayn shtertsl, itlikhes petsl gefint zikh zayn lekhl!