It’s too late to buy gifts, you say. Hanukkah is over, and Christmas is so close, I’ll have to use my skills at martial arts to fend off the other last minute shoppers, and the last time I did that I sprained an ankle attempting my “signature kick” and also got a concussion from a nunchuk and had to spend holidays in the ICU where no one visited me because it was “all” my “fault” for “waiting so long” to go shopping “or really to do anything, like you always do” and so forth along with some expletives.
Think again! At OBSERVER INDUSTRIES (OI) we have manufactured the perfect gift for everyone in your family—and friends and co-workers, too!—and you can get it with speedy shipping (see below). The gift is, TIME™. Yes, give the gift of TIME™ for just $19.99. TIME™ comes in easy-to-swallow tabs that can be broken up for small doses, or for children. TIME™ is storable, and renewable (see below).
Why is TIME™ right for everyone on your list? Here’s why:
1. It’s the perfect gift for that guy or gal who has it all!
The more you do, the more you can do. Yeah, yeah. Bosses love that line. The problem with it, as many a wrung-out worker can corroborate, is that it’s simply not the case. But it’s not just workers. It’s CEOs, owners of companies, jetting around the world. Even retirees, who are forced by social mores to pick up grandchildren, even though they are old and that is therefore difficult to do. When your CEO/worker/retiree opens that pack of TIME™ they will cry tears of joy, and think you are the best person “in the world.”
2. It helps with jet lag!
Here at OI, we love to take some TIME™ when we land in a foreign country. Half tab for Europe, whole tab for Asia. But you can use whatever formula works for you! One loyal TIME™ customer took five tabs and now says she “fully understands” the Colosseum. Good for her! Another says TIME™ let him experience “the other side” of Bangkok without his family “knowing.” And TIME™ made it all possible.
3. You can finally catch up on your emails!
How many unanswered emails are sitting in your inbox right now? 22,367? 945,984? It doesn’t matter how many–now you can take as much TIME™ as you need to answer them all! That’s right, just pop a TIME™ or two, and sit down, and answer those emails. You might even take the opportunity to tell your correspondents that TIME™ helped you out! They’ll want to try it too.
4. You can actually think of a comeback during an argument!
It happens to the best of us–you cook up that killer line hours or days after an argument because things were just too heated for you to meditate on your response. TIME™ can change all that, with this simple method: Have a TIME™ tab ready in your pocket at all times. When things start getting rough, hold out a hand and say “talk to the hand.” With the other hand, pop your TIME™. While your friend is just standing there frozen, you can think about your response, or even use “Google” to help you. When you feel that special prickle behind the ears that tells you TIME™ is wearing off, just get right back into position with your hand held up and deliver your “zinger”. Argument over—and you win!
5. TIME™ heals all wounds!
While we do not necessarily recommend this, studies have shown that grinding up a capsule of time and inhaling it through a hundred dollar bill cures diseases and can lead to immortality. Also, combining TIME™ powder with honey from “young bees” has been known to regenerate limbs.
6. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Store TIME™ in your freezer next to the pudding pops and you can take it out and use it whenever you like! Time waits for no man? Rubbish. TIME™ doesn’t go bad! Wait five years if you like. You can take TIME™ whenever you like. Plus, in a chemical reaction we can’t claim to fully understand, TIME™ actually reproduces, right there in your freezer! It’s true. Leave TIME™ in your freezer for a month or more, and you will find that you have even more time on your hands! Before you know it, you’ll have all the TIME™ in the world.
Order now and choose “easy shipping,” and we can deliver your TIME™ yesterday—for free!
Follow Sarah Douglas via RSS.