If there ever was a week for longreads, this would be it. After Elizabeth Wurtzel’s 5,500-word essay published in New York about crazy landlords/Not Compromising on Life, The New York Times Magazine proved that it hadn’t cornered the market on histrionics. Thus, an 11-page exposé about Lindsay Lohan and The Canyons, the Kickstarter-funded film written by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Paul Schrader, co-starring porn heartthrob James Deen.
As you can imagine, the piece chronicles what a nice time everyone had on the short shoot—which took place over three weeks last July–with a lot of fond, funny anecdotes. Like the time Ms. Lohan took too many sleeping pills, locked herself in a closet, and refused to come out until Paul Schrader took off all his clothes? That one is great. The pitch-perfect tone was immediately reflected in its blog-snark title, “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie.”
A fine choice, but a little unsubtle. We offer these 10 other titles that would have equally reflected the appeal of such a long, labor-intensive piece of journalism.
1. “Here Is What Happens When You Take All Your Meetings at Chateau Marmont”
2. “‘Julia Roberts Is Late!': The Lindsay Lohan Story”
3. “Paul Schrader Takes It All Off”
4. “How Not to Make a Film”
5. “That Time Lindsay Lohan Called Everyone Else Unprofessional”
6. “I’ve got one assistant passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself. Life’s great.”
7. “Do you know that iPhone app that makes explosions?”
8. “Grownups Crying”
9. “When Porn Is the Least Interesting Part of Your Film”
10. “American Psycho 3“