It’s the End of Hollywood as We Know It: Celebs Start Displaying Scary Zombie Symptoms

Red carpet for next year's Teen Choice Awards. (AMC)

Red carpet for next year’s Teen Choice Awards. (AMC)

Right now in New York, it’s snowing outside. It’s absolutely beautiful. Everyone should just take a moment and enjoy, because after the events of the last 24 hours we are pretty sure that this is the end of days. At least, for famous people; the rest of us are probably fine.

EXHIBIT A, YOUR HONOR!:

  • Justin Bieber collapses during a performance in London and has to be given oxygen backstage before returning to finish the show. His manager Scooter Braun told the worried crowd that Bieber had “got very light of breath, the whole show he had been complaining.”Which…f*ck you, Scooter Braum. He wasn’t “complaining,” he was letting you guys know that he should be taken to a hospital. Which you did...once he finished the show. Then Mr. Bieber Instagrammed a topless picture of himself, left the hospita and immediately attacked some paparazzi. Look, we know exhaustion is a bitch and that these kind of scenarios are exactly why we don’t want to be famous (or we do, but this helps us say we don’t), but what do you think the over/under is on Bieber somehow contracting that zombie disease from 28 Days Later? Because whenever someone we know gets ill, collapses after complaining of feeling weak, requires hospitalization and then is suddenly filled with extreme rage, that’s usually a sign that you are entering Walking Dead territory.
  • Meanwhile, doctors are still trying to figure out why Kelly Osbourne had a seizure last night, when the “personality”–that’s what we call her, right? Because she doesn’t have a real job or aspirations to act/sing/dance, and isn’t a socialite?–had no prior history of falling to the ground and shaking uncontrollably. Things to note: She was in the middle of taping a segment for E!’s Fashion Police, complained of “not feeling good,” fell off her chair and started shaking before being carried out on a stretcher to the hospital, where she tweeted a pic of herself in the hospital. She hasn’t been released yet, but we’d advise everyone to stay out of her way and do not take any pictures of her for awhile.
  •  Kim Kardashian was rushed to a doctor Tuesday night, worried she was having a miscarriage. Her symptoms, which began on her flight back from Paris Fashion Week, began with her feeling a little “ill” and complaining of stomach pain before ended up in a full-scale emergency situation. After she was released and ordered on bed rest, Ms. Kardashian tweeted a link to photos showing her hanging out with friends La La Vasquez, Rachel Roy and Angie Martinez, though the pics appear to be from a March 1st outing. And though she’s yet to start foaming at the mouth, rumor has it that she was furious at Kanye West for not coming to her side during her pregnancy scare. Which is understandable, though if we were Kanye, we might stay out of biting range for a bit.