To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
Subject: Recent Events
To all staff,
Just wanted to touch on a few reminders. We are all proud of the great work being done here at SCDP and very excited to see that work being rewarded by the advertising community. With that being said let’s go over some award show etiquette.
Keep in mind, you are still representing the company even when off premises. As is your alarming mustache.
Complaining about poor seats at the event is considered gauche and should be avoided. We had reports of several staffers doing this. Also to be avoided, mentioning the fact that “Paul Newman” sounded nothing like any version of Paul Newman ever heard at any stage of his long and well-documented career. Did you think he sounded like the opposite of Paul Newman? Well, keep it to yourself.
As you know the show was briefly delayed ten minutes due to a horrendous tragedy with global ramifications sure to be felt by millions of people for decades to come. And so the awards show asked me to pass along the following for next year:
Assassination = ten minute break
Terrorist attack on our shores = fifteen minute break, extra round of shots
Alien invasion = no break but those of you choosing to do so may align yourself with the alien forces.
And finally, this really doesn’t even need to be said, but Harry Hamlin is a creepily unsettling presence created from sex-burnished, casting couch leather cursed by a witch to take human form and should be avoided at all costs.
In light of recent tragedies feel free to take a personal day if you need it. Some of you. You know. Or… whoever… Actually, please approach your individual department head to determine if this offer applies to you. (Stan Rizzo this does not apply to you.)
Or, if you choose to come into the office and need to work through issues stemming from the tragedy there are people who can help you, they stock the bars located in the conference room, staff room and all senior partner’s offices. If ANY bar is empty find one of these people, they will help you deal with this difficult time.
Accusing someone of being a racist at work, loudly, is considered inappropriate. Unless that person is a racist? I, of course, am NOT one, and anyone would tell you that. Just wanted to put that out there… Ask my pal Lou, actually.
While not officially a work policy, and hugging is absolutely a personal choice for you, we urge you to really, really do your best to read the situation accurately before offering a hug to a grieving staffer. No one wants to look at that.
Quick hug tip: Are your arms touching them while theirs are nowhere to be found anywhere on your body? Your hug may have been a horrible mistake.
Lastly, have you recently seen a jarringly intense man with a face like one of those fish that’s never seen daylight? He was found muttering about ghosts, Indian chiefs and something called the Dharma Initiative while rummaging through file boxes at four am, wearing a lamp for a hat. Please do not allow this man further entry to the building.
Have you spotted an incoherent, shoeless man wandering about the halls in a possibly drug induced haze, stopping to momentarily interject himself into situations before muttering and then stumbling off? Obviously this is one of our founders, Bert Cooper. Treat him as you would your spouse’s war veteran grandfather at a summer gathering. Nod, agree with him, and then dive into a bush the moment his head turns.
Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources