To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
To all staff-
Just wanted to once again take this opportunity to go over a few policies that some of you may be unclear on.
There has been a recent increase in staffers smashing glass end tables. This is great, and we support it! We realize it’s difficult for creative types to deal with workplace pressures and unwind in a safe way. That’s why we’ve been using candy glass in our tables and windows for years now. Also, all of our chairs are painted Styrofoam, so have at it! And, our own Ken Cosgrove is actually the grown-up version of a carved wooden puppet boy who once made a wish to become real. Smash away, we can fix him.
On the topic of stress relief, we’ve been alerted to the fact that some of you have taken to throwing X-acto knives into dartboards perched just above fellow staffer’s heads. This is TERRIFYING, please stop it immediately. As you may or may not be aware, there is no part of the human body that won’t be ruined when you touch it with an X-acto blade. So do not do that. Moving on…
We’ve got a special treat for those of you in the office who are tired of merely drinking hard liquor and smoking to excess all day long. “Oh, man! Another large glass full of enough alcohol to murder a rhino followed by an actual pound of nicotine? Again?!” Haha, well, we heard you.
That’s right, we encourage those of you working through the weekend to stop by the second floor where “Dr.” Hect will inject you with a dangerous cocktail of B vitamins but mainly drugs. Keep in mind, these are incredibly powerful stimulants that he’s been working on himself, under seemingly no supervision. At all. He doesn’t even have an office of his own, hence the “working here” part. I’m pretty sure I saw him get off the bus this morning. Like, off the top of a bus. The roof. The bus hadn’t been operational in years from the looks of it. He had some clothes in a pile up there and was stroking the head of a baby bird… ANYWAY.
He will ask you about your medical history, like say, a possible heart condition, but then give you the shot anyway so I guess he’s just chatty. Did we say he was a Doctor? That’s unclear. It may be more of an honorary thing. Or a nickname. Your friend “Tiny” isn’t actually tiny and that’s fine with you, right? Well, same thing here.
Also, a rather delicate matter has been brought to my attention. Not sure how to go about this… There have been a lot of questions regarding a newcomer to the office, the vaguely ethnic, spiritual-ish, hippie woman in the flowy dress. Questions like, “Are we allowed to sleep with her? Should we sleep with her? She offered to read my I Ching, is that code for sleeping with her and if so, may I then sleep with her?”
I’ve checked with management and the answer is a definitive NO. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN. She is the possibly underage daughter of the recently deceased Frank Gleason. Those of you who did sleep with her (guilty) please immediately stop sleeping with her.
If you encounter her, quickly turn around and walk the other way. Definitely do not let her read your thoughts. What she tells you will sound impressive at first but this is actually just her being incredibly attractive.
And finally, I know we run kind of a loose ship here, what with the creative types and also those suffering from full blown alcoholism, but we must remind you: If you are a senior staffer who happens to stumble upon another employee having sex with the grieving, incredibly alluring, almost siren-like fortune teller, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WAVE A FELLOW STAFFER OVER TO GET A LOOK AT IT. Come on, creepy. This type of behavior would not fly at any other firm and it does not fly here. (Well, maybe with one or two members of upper management.)
Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources