To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
To all staff,
I would like to take this opportunity to address the rumors that have been floating around the office about a potential merger. Yes, it’s true! Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce will be merging with Cutler, Gleason & Chaough effective immediately.
Undoubtedly this WILL affect some of you. The merger offers an exciting opportunity to grow our business and reevaluate all of your contributions as we embark on an exciting future. While we know that this might make some of you nervous about job security, we encourage everybody to embrace the changes and continue to strive for excellence. Please know that while restructuring does create an opportunity to address redundancies, we hope that everybody knows that we are grateful for the start-up challenges and appreciate all of your work.
That said, some of you can expect follow-up emails about the merger. If that happens, please know that stoicism is valued and we will be bringing in a team to help with job counseling. While it is never easy to watch valued co-workers leave, we need to continue to create the best agency on all of Madison Avenue and emotions should be kept to a minimum. Remember, business as usual!
On that note, I would like to use this opportunity to touch upon a few policies that some of you may be unclear on.
We understand that sometimes tensions can run high at work and arguments are inevitable among stressed out, creative types prone to guzzling tumblers full of scotch throughout the day and well into the night, however we urge you to limit these outbursts whenever possible.
Specifically, the staircase in the center of the office seems to be the focal point for conflict. While it is a visually dramatic spot – who doesn’t love yelling at someone while descending in grand fashion, and sure, yelling at another human being while climbing steps sounds fun, too – we ask that you take these interaction to a more private location. Like our highly visible, entirely transparent, inexplicably curtain-less conference room!
A word to junior staffers: at times you will be witness to some of the aforementioned uncomfortable arguments and while it’s impossible to avoid seeing all tense moments, we’d like to review protocol for making it seem like you did just that.
DON’T stare at senior staff while they’re arguing. AVOID all eye contact. DO that thing where you’re looking at a spot on the wall, for absolutely no reason. “Hey, is that painting new? What’s that, you say, it’s not a painting, just wallpaper? Interesting!”
Or, stroke your chin and pretend to be thinking hard about something far, far away. “Hrrmmm.” Like that!
We appreciate your discretion in these matters, as you know, we work in a writhing snake bed of secrets, horrors, and clumsily hidden atrocities and that can at times be a challenge!
(This is more of a personal plea, so bear with me… Really? Still a “no” on the blinds in the main conference room? I STRONGLY urge you to reconsider. Even like a wispy, satiny thing, that would still keep our silhouettes visible? Maybe a Venetian blind situation, so thin vertical parts of our bodies would occasionally be obscured? I really don’t get the pushback on this. I am happy to pay for these out of the petty cash, and even install them myself.)
Some of the newer staffers may be unaware but the bottle of St. Germain, spirits of Elderflower in the bar is always reserved for Bert Cooper. We had an incident recently where he wanted a drink and none was available. Also reserved for Bert: the dusty bottle of bathtub gin, the fermented Pterodactyl blood in the stone bowl, and the silver vial of ambrosia given to him by Poseiden.
Also, a note for the maintenance department, we may need to stop polishing the stairs with axle grease as we’ve had a few falls recently. Please switch to the can of WD-40 in the hall closet as soon as possible, thank you.
Again, a reminder, Harry Hamlin is a vampire bat injected at birth with a cocktail of human growth hormone and Stetson cologne, then raised as a man. He is to be avoided.
Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources