Gwyneth Paltrow’s Lifestyle Advice License Officially Revoked

For your health!

For your health!

With her newsletter GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow has managed to turn her career from actress to something resembling more of an entrepreneur/life advice coach. Like Oprah! Unlike Oprah, however Gwyneth Paltrow’s products and tips usually only apply to “moms like herself” (aka Hollywood dynasty, socialites, or women who are married to the guy from Coldplay).

But Ms. Paltrow is often at war with her own image: She loves food so much that she’s written two cookbooks and posts disgusting photos of gluten/egg/dairy free meals all over her site, but at the same time she promotes cleanses to the point of putting out her own colon cleanse. (Except that one month in January, where the cleanse was to take a cleanse from cleansing.)

So far, however, Ms. Paltrow’s shtick has been successful, in the sense that yes, she’s a ridiculous person, but we always assumed her fanatic obsession with a zen work/life balance (yes, one can be fanatic about that) meant that she was at least a healthy person.

Turns out, no, she’s starved herself into hallucinating for ten days on a “bad cleanse,” as she told Telegraph.

This year I chose the Elimination Diet, which meant no additives or processed foods for three weeks. I’ve done juice cleanses in the past, and in my twenties I did the Master Cleanse, which left me hallucinating after 10 days. Be aware: a juice detox can crash your metabolism and lead to future weight gain.

Yes, this cautionary tale involves a younger, more naive Gwyneth Paltrow, one who did not know how to starve herself correctly, but come on. TEN DAYS. You hallucinated for over a week and didn’t think that maybe you should try a potato chip or something? We know Hollywood puts a lot of pressure on young actresses to be too thin, but you’d think that after you start seeing a giant pink Velociraptor setting up the lights for your next take in Sliding Doors, you’d  swear off cleanses forever.

Nope. Instead, she was just on the “wrong” cleanse, and now encourages young women who plan on crash dieting with only liquids to go for it…as long as you use her patented method of cleaning one’s colon.