All the Dolphins Are Dying and it’s (Probably) All Our Fault!

Don't you want to help this little guy? (Wikipedia)

Don’t you want to help this little guy? (Wikipedia)

Not since the great  Morbillivirus outbreak in 1987 has the North Atlantic seen its shores awash with so many dead dolphins. In fact, the number of bottlenoses who’ve bit the bullet from a possible resurgence of the Measles-related outbreak is seven times higher than the July average. This fits with the New York general trend in the last year or so of sick dolphins swimming in the Hudson, and in one baffling case, the Gowanus Canal.

We have got to fix this, you guys!

According to USA Today, The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has declared this phenomenon a “unusual mortality event,” which means cash-strapped Marine centers will be getting a little more funding during the sequester to get to the bottom of whatever horrible thing we humans have done this time that made all the beautiful dolphins go to dolphin heaven.

And we need to do it soon: As we discovered recently, dolphins not only communicate with each other by name, but have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. It’s only a matter of time before they stop pulling drowning divers to shore and begin the sea mammal rebellion.