Happy Trails, Steve-O: Ballmer Is Retiring As Microsoft CEO Within a Year

$5 says he's devoting himself full time to finding a basketball team to buy.

This man dearly loves a brawl. (Photo: Wikimedia)

This man dearly loves a brawl. (Photo: Wikimedia)

After years of everyone wondering whether maybe Steve Ballmer had cut some sort of deal with a Voodoo priestess to remain in charge of Microsoft, the company announced today that its longtime leader will retire within 12 months, once they’ve settled on a successor.

Microsoft shares promptly jumped.

Mr. Ballmer said in a statement that, “There is never a perfect time for this type of transition, but now is the right time.” He added:

“We have embarked on a new strategy with a new organization and we have an amazing Senior Leadership Team. My original thoughts on timing would have had my retirement happen in the middle of our company’s transformation to a devices and services company. We need a CEO who will be here longer term for this new direction.”

That’s what he said, anyway; we can’t help but wonder if he’s really leaving to plot revenge against Tibco CEO Vivek Ranadive for stealing the Sacramento Kings right out from under him.

Please feel free to mark this moment by flipping a table and bellowing insults about your enemies. Say it with us, now: