Once Again America Forgets That a New iPhone Is Released Every Year

Homeless people paid to wait in line, sold-out gold iPhones, dicks used in lieu of fingerprints--it's a great day in #tech.

"Definitely not blessed are the patient, for they shall inherit technology that is no longer worth bragging about." (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

“Definitely not blessed are the patient, for they shall inherit technology that is no longer worth bragging about.” (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Well, here we are again at the secular saints’ day that is the release of a new iPhone. Once again, adults across the land have completely lost their shit, racing to get their hands on a snazzy product that–let’s face it–will be outdated within twelve months.

Without the option of pre-orders, lines formed outside Apple stores all over America. In Soho, the wait was longer for iPhones than cronuts. In Atlanta, hundreds of people were waiting in the Lenox parking lot at dawn, like a Walking Dead outtake.  In Palo Alto, the San Jose Mercury News reports, Tim Cook showed up and walked among his adoring acolytes. When the doors opened, “the hundreds of customers lined up were rewarded not just with a new iPhone purchase, but with a sighting of CEO Tim Cook, who stopped by the store for the launch.”

But why wait in line when you can just outsource the inconveniences of modern life to someone less economically secure? There are services like TaskRabbit if you wanted to pay an aspiring actor peanuts to cool in front of the Fifth Avenue store. Someone in Pasadena was even such a massive prick as to recruit a bunch of homeless people from downtown L.A. with promises of $40 to wait in line–then promptly stiffed and stranded them.

The gold iPhone 5S is now backordered until October, with waits of 7 to 10 days for other models. (The New York Observer‘s own executive editor was at her computer, ready to order at 2:50 a.m., but won’t get it until next month.) Apple released a gloating statement to the outlet soon to be formerly known as AllThingsD: “Demand for the new iPhones has been incredible, and we are currently sold out or have limited supply of certain iPhone 5s models in some stores.”

Well, maybe they should have specified much of that demand was for the 5S. As one shopper told the Mercury News: “I think the 5C is more geared towards kids and cheaper…. I want the legit Apple phone.”

Oh, and there’s a bunch of dudes who want to use their dicks to unlock the 5S’s fingerprint sensor. Tech!