Vaguely Vampiric News: True Blood Laid to Rest, 50 Shades of Grey Casts Kinky Unknowns

Vampire Bill on MSNBC; Dakota Johnson (left) and Charlie Hunnam as the new 50 Shades stars.

Vampire Bill on MSNBC; Dakota Johnson (left) and Charlie Hunnam as the new 50 Shades stars.

Okay, because you remember how 50 Shades of Grey was actually based on Twilight erotic fan fiction? So there’s your connection right there. Also, we didn’t want to write two separate posts about these items, because The Observer is not into Vampires anymore. Or werewolves or shape-shifters or witches or any other kind of “come out of the coffin” clumsy supernatural metaphors  for disenfranchised minorities.

Yech. Put a stake in that! Also put a stake in all those terrible vampire puns. (God Hates Fangs was clever for the first season, season and a half tops, and having vampires say that anything “sucks” is just lazy writing.)

So here’s the good news: 50 Shades of Grey has finally cast its two leads. No more speculation! Bad news: We have no idea who these people are. But more good news! True Blood is finally drawing to a merciful close in 2014. So there won’t be anymore of this:


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From the press release, the guy who took over for Alan Ball said:

I feel enormously proud to have been a part of the TRUE BLOOD family since the very beginning,” says Brian Buckner. “I guarantee that there’s not a more talented or harder-working cast and crew out there, and I’d like to extend a personal heartfelt thanks to them for their dedication and tenacity over the years, especially this past year, as I stepped into a larger role. Thank you also to HBO for their unwavering support and of course to Alan Ball, whose genius enabled all of us to share in this incredible journey. Finally, a huge thank you to the most passionate fans in television. As we take a final walk through Bon Temps together, we will do our very best to bring Sookie’s story to a close with heart, imagination and, of course, fun.”

A vampire show with heart? GET OUT OF TOWN WITH THESE PUNS!

In other news that some people (your mom) will find interesting, the movie adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey has finally cast its BDSM lovebirds, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Out of all the rumors about Alex Pettyfer (whom Gus Van Sant filmed a sex scene around in a bid to get him the role,) or Ian Somerholder (who was the preferred choice of Bret Easton Ellis), instead they went with this guy. From Pacific Rim, remember? Yes, we know that headline says that Sons of Anarchy‘s Charlie Hunman won’t be playing Christian Grey, but apparently a lot has changed in the last 10 days.

As for Ms. Steele? She’ll be played by Melanie Griffith’s daughter, Dakota Johnson. She’s 23 and blond, which is going to make it much harder for some of us to relate to the film’s urtext, which we still have hidden on our Kindle. She was also the girl Sean Parker threw out of bed for Facebook in The Social Network.

So, you know, Ms. Johnson’s has experience with a character whose low self-esteem takes the form of the men she lets into her bed. A natural!