Today, large tech company Apple held a routine announcement about two new models of the iPhone.
It’s the highest of holidays for those who are fed up with their cracked iPhones, sick of their Android-powered candy bars and the four people who bought the Nokia Lumia. And, similar to attending temple, it ate up entirely too much of our day and we felt super sleepy afterwards.
At least we got some fancy new iPhones out of it. But since our contract isn’t up for another 16 months, we’re excited to play around with it at the Apple store some day after work while waiting for it to stop raining.
First, there’s the iPhone 5C, the company’s first budget entry that looks like it was pooped out of a Fisher Price factory. The casing is a “hard-coated poly-carbonate body” (née fancy plastic), but we’ll get to the colors in a second. It’s essentially an improved iPhone 5 with a new FaceTime camera, beefed-up insides and comes preloaded with iOS7. Since it’s priced at a reasonable $99 for 16GB, Apple lobbed a grenade right into the parent-subsidized teen market.
Perhaps the most striking feature of the 5C is its new stable of color, a Roy. G. Biv arrangement of shades that’s only going to make waving your phone at concerts even more distracting. The phone is available in five colors, while the “cheese grater for toddler” snappable cases are an extra $39 each. It’s great for mix-and-matching and to give you further anxiety about what looks good with your outfit.
Then there’s the daddy iPhone 5S. It comes in three colors: a silver, a “SPACE GRAY” (what?) and a gold that only Kanye West can pull of without look like a total dope. It’s the same size as the iPhone 5, which is being put out to pasture, and includes a faster processor, better camera and a 64-bit chip so even the imperfections of your Instagram pictures are really going to stand out. It starts at $199 for 16GB.
But bad news for spouses who creep, the 5S has a sleek fingerprint sensor called TouchID. If sliding your finger around to access the weather is just too damn hard, users can implant their fingertip onto the home button-turned-sensor and even validate iTunes purchases with it. Other fingerprints can be scanned into the phone to access it if you’re that trusting.
Unfurl your Coleman tent at the Grand Central Terminal Apple store tonight: Both phones are scheduled for a Sept. 20 release.