Mr. Monocle Is Away: In New Orleans

Not Impressed By All That Jazz

Maison Bourbon Jazz Club with Dixieland band and trumpet player performing at night in French Quarter in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Maison Bourbon Jazz Club with Dixieland band and trumpet player performing at night in French Quarter in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Hello! Good to see you. You really should have dressed. Ah well, too late now. This month’s destination… New Orleans.

New Orleans is in Louisiana, which is in the USA. The south part, I believe. I’m talking below Brooklyn, even. (Don’t quote me on this. It was all a blur.) It’s the home of Mardi Gras, which, if you don’t know, is like Mecca for inebriated sops, ball-capped collegians and terrible people the world over.

I arrived in the French Quarter, where they invented the Sazerac, and frequented the bars along Canal Street. I noticed a lot of those musicians where they are all walking and carrying shiny horns? They never seem to get where they’re going, which is a shame since that place is probably not here. Note: just because something is shiny and brassy doesn’t mean it’s worth blowing into.

New Orleans is also known as the birthplace of jazz, and somehow, this is not something they hide. This seems akin to a woman bragging she’s the mother of a noted psychopath, or a scientist, the creator of a terrible plague.

The city is home to “Jazz Fest” and according to signs on Bourbon Street many clubs offered live jazz. Played in front of you. For you to look at, right out in the open. So now we’re up to two senses being assaulted. Do southern accents improve an experience for you? You’re in luck.

I decided to gamble (with more than my reputation, in jeopardy since a waitress patted me on the back, like one would a peer) at the area’s riverboat casinos. Louisiana casinos differ from regular casinos in that they float and are similar in that they attract the absolute worst elements of humanity. These people often arrive looking for fun. Ridiculous. You don’t look for fun: it’s there or it isn’t. You don’t force it like the dented hood of one of your automobiles.

I imagined dashing types sporting white suits, brandishing derringers, glancing at pocket watches while belles looked on. Perhaps even a top hat would make an appearance. Maybe it would be doffed, while its owner said the word “indubitably” for some unknown yet charming reason.

Well, that guy was there, but he was dressed in torn dungarees and a t-shirt featuring a Looney Tunes character in a sporting jersey. Time to go!

I’ll say that New Orleans’ appeal is helped by its proximity to the rest of Louisiana, the way a discarded cigarette butt would look good by comparison when placed near an alligator’s corpse. In short, New Orleans is a beautiful city ruined by the blanket of slobs descending upon it at all times. And they could ease up on the jazz.

Article continues below
More from Politics
STAR OF DAVID OR 'PLAIN STAR'?   If you thought "CP Time" was impolitic, on July 2 Donald Trump posted a picture on Twitter of a Star of David on top of a pile of cash next to Hillary Clinton's face. You'd think after the aforementioned crime stats incident (or after engaging a user called "@WhiteGenocideTM," or blasting out a quote from Benito Mussolini, or...) Trump would have learned to wait a full 15 seconds before hitting the "Tweet" button. But not only was the gaffe itself bad, the attempts at damage control made the BP oil spill response look a virtuoso performance.  About two hours after the image went up on Trump's account, somebody took it down and replaced it with a similar picture that swapped the hexagram with a circle (bearing the same legend "Most Corrupt Candidate Ever!"!). Believe it or not, it actually got worse from there. As reports arose that the first image had originated on a white supremacist message board, Trump insisted that the shape was a "sheriff's star," or "plain star," not a Star of David. And he continued to sulk about the coverage online and in public for days afterward, even when the media was clearly ready to move on. This refusal to just let some bad press go would haunt him later on.
Donald Trump More Or Less Says He’ll Keep On Tweeting as President