Lady Gaga And H&M Unite to Make Times Square That Much Worse

Lady Gaga and H&M team up to make my life hell. (Getty)

Lady Gaga and H&M team up to make my life hell. (Getty)

Does Lady Gaga hate me? I know I’m probably just being paranoid, but it’s like she combined two of my biggest reoccurring stress-dream symbols–Jeff Koons and raves– to make ArtPOP happen a couple blocks away from my house on a Sunday night? Pretty sketchy.

But then today she announces that on Thursday she’s going to turn the already panic-inducing Times Square, where I work, into an even more horrific hive-swarm for tourists, pimply pubscents and creepily middle-aged “monsters” when she cuts the ribbon on a new H&M? It’s like “All right, I get it.”

And in case a pop star descending on a 42,000-sq.-ft retail outlet in Times Square wasn’t rage-provoking enough, there’s a whimsical Wonka-esque element in place to ensure you won’t be able to navigate Broadway from 40th to 48th all day.

From the press release of my nightmares:

To celebrate opening day, H&M Times Square will be open for 24 hours with a digital countdown announcing hourly offers for the whole family! The first 1,000 shoppers in line will receive an Access to Fashion Pass, valued from $10 to $1,000, and lots of fun give-aways! Twenty lucky winners will receive a golden ticket granting them a “meet and greet” with Lady Gaga and early access into the store to shop.

So like this but starring 10,000 Japanese tourists with cameras, obese Midwestern tweens and aggressive Elmos.

There’s probably an essay in here about the transcendence of pop commercialism when you promoting your album with Marina Abramovic one night and three days later with a store that promises “a digital runway…(whose) unique content can also be accessed in real-time through the customers’ social media platforms,” but I am way too freaked out right now to think of it.

Anybody have a Xanax?