Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Temporarily Vegan

So Jay-Z and Beyoncé have embarked upon a 22-day challenge to go completely vegan as part of a “spiritual and physical cleanse” and/or to support their friend’s energy bar business. As a longtime herbivore myself, I couldn’t help but respond to this news in the deepest, most animalistic part of my brain, the part I’ve trained not to care about steak but which will never stop caring about what Queen Bey says and does. Yay, celebrities!

You see, despite what DieHipstersDie would have you believe, being a vegan hasn’t been hip at least since Moby last had a hit single and maybe never. One need only take a walking tour of the artisanal offal restaurants opening up each day in Brooklyn to know the truth: as far as the “foodie” scene is concerned, we might as well go lick some algae off a rock. Vegan food is for hippies, and hippies suck.

Given this bloodthirsty state of affairs, we will take whatever cool-ish ambassadors we can get. Alicia Silverstone? Clueless was underrated. Casey Affleck? Have a seat at the celebri-siblings table alongside Emily Deschanel, why don’t you. Natalie Portman? We’ll forgive you for all the weird shit you ate while pregnant if you’ll come back to us for a little while. At least we’ve still got Fiona Apple.

As you might imagine, then, for the current emperor and empress of popular music to say something that even rhymes with vegan is an unequivocal boon to our morale. Life without cheese?! You don’t say, Mr. Carter. I sincerely hope you enjoy whatever plant-based fineries your personal chef prepares.

To help soundtrack their exciting new lifestyle, I was tempted to select a song by Earth Crisis, but have Beyoncé and Jay-Z ever listened to Earth Crisis? Tough to imagine. But one tofu-chompin’ musician I know they have definitely listened to is Prince, whose sensual fingerprints are all over Bey’s underpromoted 4 bonus track “Schoolin’ Life.” (And whose yak milk habit I’m willing to overlook, as it is consensual yak milk.) She even wears purple on the cover of the deluxe edition on which it appears. Yes, it’s safe to say that Jay and Bey love Prince, along with everyone else who was born between 1965 and 1985 and likes sex.

And it seems the Artist does not like having his songs on Youtube, which is a shame, because I really wanted you to hear him proclaim his love of soymilk on “Joint 2 Joint.” Oh well. Here’s that Beyoncé song that sounds like Prince. Enjoy hearing her call herself “a freak” for what may be the only time ever.