What to Get the Failed Political Candidate on Your List

  • In every political cycle, there are winners and losers—mostly losers.

    Still, losers celebrate the holidays too, right? Yet between all the sobbing and whatnot, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise to find out what they really want.

    So The Observer created a handy shopping guide for the failed political candidate on your list.

    Click on the image above to start the slideshow.

  • We're not going to name names, but the photo-sharing app, which automatically deletes shared images after several seconds, would have saved a certain mayoral candidate a WHOLE lot of trouble. Come on, man.

    Cost: $0
    Click here to purchase.

  • There are some very basic missteps that aren’t too hard to avoid if that person on your list wants to run for office again. For example, instead of saying, “Yes, I would instruct the subway trains to run over those cute kittens,” one could simply reply with something like, “No comment."

    Cost: $35.55
    Click here to purchase.

  • Mayor Michael Bloomberg was an undoubtedly flawed candidate but managed to win election after election by spending upwards of $100 million a pop. This was especially notable in 2009 when Mr. Bloomberg shelled out a whopping $183 per vote. Being a billionaire would certainly help your failed political candidate make a comeback attempt.

    Cost: $1,000,000,000
    Click here to purchase.

  • Do those things work? Seems like the rabbit in question wasn’t especially lucky, but whatever. Can’t hurt.

    Cost: $8.95
    Click here to purchase.

  • Is your friend too right-wing for an electorate that thinks an alleged communist like Bill de Blasio is the best thing since sliced bread? Perhaps he or she needs to schlep out of the five boroughs and move to a place that Sarah Palin would consider "real America."

    Cost: About $200
    Click here to purchase.

    (Photo: The image in the Wikipedia article for "Flyover Country.")

  • This is for that person on your list who just needs to let it out.

    Cost: $10.39
    Click here to purchase.

    (Photo: Flickr/Crimfants)

  • This is for that person on your list who needs to rage a little bit. A drawing or poster of Bill de Blasio or whoever won the race in question can be added for effect.

    Cost: $83.99
    Click here to purchase.

    (Photo composite: U.S. Navy/Getty)

  • See above.

    Cost: $7.09 (several packs; gift requires only one sheet)
    Click here to purchase.

  • Politicos have to earn a paycheck somehow. For the failed candidates across the city (the ones not named Joe Lhota, who threatened electing Bill de Blasio would drive the city into race riots), nothing says “I care” like being named deputy assistant commissioner of something or other.

    Cost: Priceless, let’s say.
    Click here to purchase.

    (Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty)

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